by Cosmic Panda
11:45 PM, April 28 ’13.
“Final boarding call for Flight TR2728 to Manila..”
23C – another aisle seat at the back. Again, I didnt choose that seat, it was chosen for me like the seat I was given at the flight from Manila to Singapore.
I guess the universe kinda knew that that’s what I wanted so it was given to me.
I hope the universe also knew that I didn’t want to breakup with Paul. And maybe it would’ve been given to me too.
But I don’t know. There were so many things that happened the entire week – things I never expected to happen in real life.. Things you only see in movies.. things you get to read in books.
It’s like it was all meant to happen.
I re-read my post before this entry and I cried a little bit.
“We talked for about a month, just enjoying or convos and just some kilig-kilg moments, pero honestly I wasn’t pursuing him. Gusto ko siya, and I’ve wanted to ask him out on a date for quite some time, pero I don’t.
Why not? Since I follow him on tumblr, and he posts personal stuff on there, I knew that after he graduates, he would be continuing his education and moving out to Singapore.
He’s Fil-Chi, so he comes from a well-off family. He’s studying Multi-Media Arts in DLSU-CSB Taft and graduating na siya this year.
I’ve never really thought of him as a boyfriend, kasi sayang lang kung aalis din siya eh, diba?”
I had that apprehension about having a relationship with Paul, and it was because of Singapore. I didnt want to take a risk.
But I fell in love.
I fell in love hard.
And I loved him with all my heart.
Then two years later, there I was – flying back to Manila from Singapore, carrying the pain of what I wanted to avoid in the beginning.
The cabin crew at that flight home was the same crew at the flight going abroad, with the exception of one cute guy who I could tell was new.
It was 1 AM, and the flight is more than 3 hours. I downloaded Rupauls episodes to keep me company at that lonely flight. There was a girl seated near the window, but she was asleep the entire time.
After watching all the fierce queens, I closed my eyes and I tried to sleep. Still had an hour left before landing in Manila.
I tried not to think about Paul. Pero diko siya maalis sa isip ko.
He didnt take me to the airport. But he did accompany me at the train station. I didnt want him to take me to the airport, and ayaw din nya akong ihatid kasi gabi na daw at baka masarhan siya ng MRT.
We didnt hug each other goodbye. Tapos nagmamadali pa syang umalis.
“I love you, Paul!” I said.
“I love you too” he mouthed, as he went down the escalator.
Thats how we said goodbye to each other.
I didnt get a hug from that idiot. A hug is just a hug, but a hug kasi shows that you really care about the person, especially if its a goodbye.
The guy I met at the sauna waited for me and gave me a kiss before he left.
The guy that I was with for two years, the guy I made all the effort to go to, the guy that I was ready to give everything, the guy I continued to love and forgive despite how cold and painful he treated me while I was there, mouthed “I love you too” while going down the escalator.
Its not a big deal. Maybe thats just how he is. But I really did deserve better.
While I was at the plane home, missing him, still trying to accept that it was over, he wrote me a letter on his blog, which I read a few days after.
If you see this, then this just means that we have already parted. I know this was hard for us, but I believe this is for the best. We may have ended this great thing we had, but it will for sure be in our hearts. We may have argued, fought, even to the point of breaking. But we survived. For almost two years we had so much lovely memories together. They were the best memories I had, honestly. I learned how to live, love and enjoy my life. But today, this all ends. When you fly back, we will part ways. We will separate. But we will never be alone.
Now I know how it feels to be heartbroken… I have underestimated it. I thought it was just a pathetic way to deal with sadness. I eat my words now. You changed me. You changed my outlook about living and loving. You opened my eyes to a lot of things and I am deeply grateful for that.
It is going to be very hard, honestly. Right now I am having breakdowns where I would just randomly cry. I am sorry when I was unfair to you, when I didn’t want to fulfil your last wish. I am scared that I might not forget, that I might not be able to move on. That I might be lonely and alone. But I know we will get through this. We are stronger as we think we are.
Now that our time has finally come to an end, I would like to thank you for being my love. You gave me so much when I was empty. You were there when I was alone. You guided me when I was lost. You were everything when I was nothing. You were you, and you made me happy. But now, it’s just going to be me now. I know it’s gonna be hard. Life is unfair. Things come, things go. But right now I am just cherishing of our happy moments together. Moving on will be very hard, but I have to try.
You are my first love, and forever will be the one. There’s no other you that compares.
And I obviously had a letter for him too.
I just want to say thank you. Thank you because I know you spent half of your life building a wall to protect yourself from getting hurt, and you took the wall down and you let me in.
People say you are always happy, and have no worries in life because thats what you show the world. Thank you because you let me see the real you. Thank you because you showed me your emotions, and your vulnerability. Thank you because you let me take care of that little boy who was bullied in grade school.
Thank you because you let me love you completely.
Thank you for needing me. Its nice to feel needed, and important, and useful. You made me feel all of that.
Thank you for the beautiful memories we created together, and the ones that you created for me. Thank you for the hugs, the kisses, the patience, the effort, the time, and the sacrifices you made to keep us together and to make me happy.
Thank you for laughing at my jokes, even though you think they are lame. Thank you for listening to me when I rant about life. Thank you for pushing me to become better, and I have become better. I wouldn’t be the man that I am today if it weren’t for you.
We may not be together anymore, but I just want you to know, from the bottom of my heart, that I am always here for you. I’m glad that our breakup isn’t like one of those where two people loathe each other.
I love you, and nothing is ever gonna change that.
You are the love of my life.
I am always on your side, and even though I am not going to hold my life back and wait for you, I am always ready to drop everything and risk all of it, if ever you need me to.
Thank you so much for everything.
But most of all, thank you… for loving me.