Cosmic Panda 2013

by Cosmic Panda

I have decided to drop the pseudo-name Lucas Khan, and just stick with my DJ name, Cosmic Panda, for consistency.

This is a post to share my part of the year 2013.

Cosmic Panda, 2013

Cosmic Panda, 2013

I initially created this blog as an outlet when my first boyfriend and I broke up. I wrote about my side of the story, how I saw the breakup, and basically ruined my ex-boyfriend’s reputation to everybody whoever read my posts. I have since then realized that this wasn’t the best way to handle a breakup and emotions, and that it’s too late to delete the blog. Even if I delete the blog, I can no longer take back the damage that I have created.

My ex-boyfriend and I haven’t talked since June 1, 2013. Not a phone call, not a text message, not a tweet – whatever form of communication – gone. I also did the crazy thing of burning bridges with his friends and writing about them too.

What a dick I have been, right?

The last 7 months of 2013 have given me a lot of perspective about the breakup, about how I handled the breakup, about the relationship, and basically about my entire life. This is going to be a long post so grab some wine, play good music, and here we go.

The Relationship

I have already written about how my ex and I met here. This time, let me share about the relationship, or atleast how I saw it.

We loved each other. We never had any issues of cheating, of being taken for granted, etc. When I think about it, I realize how petty all our arguments actually were. I guess it could be attributed to both of us being new to the relationship thing. He was my first boyfriend, and I was his. We were both new to the thing and we really didn’t know how to handle everything. Also I think we were both really not ready to enter that relationship, but we got excited after a month of dating, and just the idea that you finally have someone you love who loves you back the same way… someone you care about that cares about you the same way.

We had a lot of fights. He is an Aries, a fire sign, and I am an Aquarius, an air sign. Air and Fire. Air makes Fire bigger and Fire can’t really touch Air.

On good days we were both very passionate about each other, and on bad days, it was very exhausting.

We loved each other very much. That I can assure you. We were just not mentally and emotionally ready to hold on longer. But two years for a gay relationship is not common, and for a first relationship, I think its an achievement that we can be proud of.

What really hurt the most when the relationship ended, and why I hate him so much, is HOW it ended. The fact is RELATIONSHIPS DO END. RELATIONSHIPS FAIL. There is no one to blame, it’s just a part of life.

What really made me so angry and emotional was the fact that he didn’t respect me enough to tell me his dying feelings for me… for us. And now I think he’ s really mad at me because of how I didn’t respect him enough to write shit and share it on the internet.

And also I think we did a lot of crazy things just to get back at each other indirectly. We magnified the issues each time we both did something stupid, especially me, being an overly-dramatic bitch and all.

We could have handled things differently. But maybe this no-talking-with-your-ex thing is for the best. DEFINITELY NOT EASIER, but for the best.

The Bad Things of 2013

After the breakup, I was alone. I had no friends. The only friends I had known for the past two years were my ex’s friends and as I mentioned earlier, I stopped hanging out with them. I couldn’t see them because if I did, it would have only reminded me of the old times and I couldn’t. I just couldn’t.

I was at my lowest. I was at my worst. I was so thin, Kate Moss would have been jealous. I was drunk on weekends all the time, and I just lost it.

I took out my emotions on other people. well they deserved it, but I wouldn’t have done shit if I wasn’t dead inside.

Also, I tried and tried and tried and tried to convince myself everyday that I was over him, instead of really getting over him. So I never really got over him.

The Good Things of 2013

While I was getting drunk on weekends, I met a lot of amazing people. I made new friends, and honestly, they are the best people in the world, and I couldn’t ask for anything more.

Calatagan Beach, Dec 2013

Calatagan Beach, Dec 2013

Pahmin Festival after Hunger Games, November 2013

Pahmin Festival after Hunger Games, November 2013

September 2013, one of the many Saturday nights spent at Today X Future

September 2013, one of the many Saturday nights spent at Today X Future

With my co-Singapore Hater, Today X Future

With my co-Singapore Hater at Today X Future

I lost people in my life, burned bridges, and found new ones who filled my year with happiness and memories and they proved love doesn’t always come from relationships.

Also, when you’ve been down for so long and you’re at your lowest, you get to a certain point where you know that enough is enough and you HAVE to bring yourself back up. I sucked up all my negativity (which was one of the main reasons that caused my relationship to fail) and turned them into positive things. Atleast I hope that’s what I did.

I decided to finally start doing something with my life. and pursued a DJ career. To be honest with you, I did this because my ex is also a DJ and he is very passionate about music and I thought maybe if I did it I would still be connected to him through the music that he loves.

And then I got lucky enough to be a guest DJ at one of the newest gay clubs in Hongkong. I thought I was opening for their resident DJ, but the club owner told me that I will be playing the entire night because he loved my demos.

Volume BEAT's Official Christmas Party

Volume BEAT’s Official Christmas Party

Me on the decks at Volume BEAT

Me on the decks at Volume BEAT

View from the DJ Booth

View from the DJ Booth

I also made new friends there who loved the music that I played.


Partied till sunrise with these cuties, Hongkong December 2013

I’ve had so many blessings these past few months, and I guess it’s true what they say: there is life after a heartbreak. Haha

With all honesty in my heart though, the best part of 2013 for me was losing the relationship and my ex-boyf, because if I hadn’t, I wouldn’t have found myself. We may no longer be together, but my love for my ex would never go away. As much as I would love to forget him, he will always be a big part of who I am now.

I have no idea what’s in store for me, well nobody has any idea what’s in store for anybody. It’s scary to know that bad things could happen again, or that I may not handle things maturely again this 2014, but cheers to 2013! The worst and the best year of my life, so far.