K, this is going to be a long read.
This is the final entry I will have for my (true to life) story, but I have been inspired lately that I wrote a fictional story about a guy trying to move on. It’s titled “Moving On”. LOL No thats too literal, but I think it is a good read and Im excited to share it with you. It won’t be about me trying to move on, but it revolves around that theme and this is the perfect time for me to write it because I can relate to the main character really well.
THE BREAKUP AFTERMATH – FINAL CHAPTER
GRINDR. DATING. FACEBOOK RELATIONSHIP STATUS. BEING A JERK. PARTYING. BOYS. INSTAGRAM VIDEOS. BLOG. BIRTH OF LUCAS KHAN.
That night when after all of that happened (from my previous post) I broke down. I didn’t just cry. I had a breakdown. I lost my faith in life. I suddenly questioned my life and felt that I wasted time spending it with people who would just hurt me.
Again, that was then. That was how I felt then. I’m not saying everybody wanted to hurt me, or betray me, and I am not saying they are evil. But that was how I felt. I felt that they just took me as “the boyfriend of our friend.”
You know what made it even worse? Nobody asked me how I was, even days after. They would reach out to me, yes. NOT ALL, only one or two people lang. They would say “Hey Kristian, tell us when you’re ready na ha.”
I said I wanted to leave our group muna, but I didn’t mean I could do it all by myself. Nobody asked me how I was. Nobody asked me how my heart is. Nobody showed they cared.
Well, maybe because nobody knew what I was going through then, but the thing is, when none of your friends check on you, what does that tell you?
Today, I have no idea what love is, and I have no idea what friendship means.
Here are things I did after the breakup.
Because I was alone, or felt that I was alone (ayan ha, clarify ko lang that that was how I felt at the time – mga echusera kasi kung maka react), I found comfort in Grindr (not Grindr Xtra lol). Am I proud of it? No, not one bit. Medyo nahihiya ako to admit my disgraceful actions, pero sabi ko nga, I want it all out there.
I talked to guys there. I met guys from there. Hindi lahat sex, pero yes I hooked up – not a lot, but I hooked up. It is embarrassing, but I liked how guys wanted me, how guys would make sundo with their cars, or make me hatid to wherever I wanted to go. Or treat me to movies. Or take me out to dinner. I felt validated. If you have been following me on twitter, sometimes ipinagmamayabang ko yun sa twitter. Kung gaano ako kaganda. Kung gaano ako kagwapo lol.
On social media, I made sure I tweeted and instagram-ed all of it because I knew somehow it would reach my ex and I wanted to hurt him. And I wanted to piss “our friends” off. And I wanted to piss everybody off.
*AJ the DJ*
I met a guy (itago natin sa pangalang AJ) who is a DJ, and we had plans on me getting DJ lessons from him. That excited me because my ex was a DJ, so I thought maybe if I became a DJ he would want me back.(SO SAD noh? Gusto ko saktan yung ex ko, pero gusto ko din magkabalikan kami. Baliwag lang to the nth level)
He was even planning on selling me his DJ Controller at a really cheap price.
I was delusional.
While I was seeing the DJ, I was also seeing a 22-year old student who was a little geeky and guess what, he reminded me of Paul.
The way he ate food, the way he played with his iPad, the way he would hug me, the way he would call inday, the way he looked, the way he smiled, it was all Paul. It was like I had a clone version of my ex. I liked him, he liked me, but I still wanted Paul.
*Daddy Didodu (?)*
I also met a business man, who treated me really well. Sinusundo ako. Hinahatid. And all that, ah basta, I dated a lot.
It came to a point where nandiri na ako sa sarili ko, kasi niloloko ko lang lahat ng mga lalaking yun eh. Ayoko sa kanilang lahat. Everything meant nothing to me.
In a way, dating was my scapegoat. I didn’t want to deal with my sadness, and I lost touch of reality.
FACEBOOK RELATIONSHIP STATUS
I kept stalking my ex through twitter and facebook and instagram and everywhere. I read his tweets and he seemed really happy. He kept going clubbing and talking to “our friends” about the men in Singapore.
(Now I see that maybe he was doing that because I was doing the same thing, posting shit about grindr men. Our actions were magnifying each other’s actions.)
He seemed happy and he seemed okay. He wasn’t talking to me. None of our friends were talking to me either.
I was so mad I made up a lie about being “In a Relationship” on facebook, and I kept tweeting about how happy I was, even though I was just fooling myself. Delusional. BALIWAG LEVELS TALAGA NO??
BEING A JERK
I kept ranting on social media about stupid stuff. And I kept ranting shit towards my ex.
I don’t know… I just couldn’t stand seeing that he was doing well after the break up while I was so miserable.
I partied in drag once at a #GGSS party. One of the “Post-Breakup Craziness” I did.
At the party, I met a group of boys who were really nice to me. I dont know, maybe they saw how sad I was underneath all the makeup and the wig. They said I looked like Miles Hernandez. Basta they were nice to me, and they are really good friends of mine now.
I am even developing a crush on one of them, and I was open about it! Pero tsaka nako mag rerelationship ulit, kapag ready na ako. Have you read my post “Off-Story: Breakup Rant” yet? Kaya ako galit na galit kasi nga, hindi ko pa kaya to be with someone else yet, tapos siya getting over another guy na. I dont know his side of the story, but I think he is a douchebag.
When Instagram made videos available, it made me happy. Siguro iniisip niyo its one of my “Post-Breakup Craziness” shit, but no, its not. When I started making videos kasi, dun ko narealize how sassy and witty I could be. When I’m making my videos, lagi akong tumatawa. I keep watching my videos din after because it makes me laugh and it reminds me of the great time I had making them. Putting on the make up and the wigs. Wala lang. Thats not me being emotional and crazy, my instagram videos are me being myself.
My instagram videos make me happy. My instagram videos represent the happiness that I want to have in real life.
I started this blog to share what happened to me. When I wrote Part I, it was the first time na inaccept ko yung fact na break na talaga kami. It was the first time I faced reality. And honestly, after writing I keep reading my entries until masanay na ako. Until hindi na ako naiiyak. Hanggang sa tanggap ko na ganun yung nangyari. I know I’m weird. I’m really doing this for myself. I’m not doing this para lang maawa yung mga tao sakin. Hindi ko to ginagawa para magalit kayo kay Paul.
May mga taong nagmemessage sakin after reading each post. Minsan empathetic messages, consoling messages, minsan galit, or telling me off.
My ex-boyfriend is a great guy. I would not have fallen in love with him, or would not have loved him (yes, LOVED, past tense) if he wasn’t. I don’t know what happened or why he did what he did, or how he is now (I dont read his tweets, or check his blog anymore, nor follow him on instagram, or tumblr, or path. And we are not facebook friends).
I guess people just grow apart, no matter how much you love each other. Its sad that ganito yung nangyari, but its part of life.
I don’t know why the universe let this happen to me. Or to us. I dont know what I did to deserve such pain.
This is from one of my favorite movies, Must Love Dogs:
“You know, but I think your heart grows back bigger. You know? Once you get the shit beat out of you. And, um, the universe lets your heart expand that way, and I think that’s the function of all this pain and heartache that you go through and you gotta go through that to come out to a better place and that’s how I see it, anyway.”
Right now, I feel better. Its only been less than two months. I dont know what’s in store for me. But I know that its over.
Am I a mess now? No. I WAS.
Am I in a better place? I hope so.
Work has been making me busy, got new projects to work on. On weekends, I spend time with new people, and I will continue meeting people. Right now, my life is really an open book. Its on the internet, goddamit! Its on social media sites. People judge you anyways, so I just show it 100%. Who I am on facebook and twitter and this blog is who I am in person, plus more!
I still miss Paul, sometimes. When I see his name, or when I go to a place where we have memories, or when I just remember him.
But I’m finally, unti-unti, letting go. He’s in the past now.
Do we still talk? Nope. He wants to start over, then let him start over. I am now starting over as well.
Thank you for reading my story.
I wish I had a better way to end The Breakup Series. But thank you for sharing my pain when you got sad or when you cried while reading my entries. Thank you for hating on Paul, when I hated Paul. Thank you for being mad, when I was mad.
Thank you for making me feel that I’m not alone.
Wala, basta, thank you.
Life goes on, Kristian! Life goes on.