Love, Cosmic Panda

Category: The Breakup Series

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS (Taray!)

I would like to express my gratitude to the many people who saw me through this blog, and through The Breakup Series.

I would like to thank JP, for providing me insights and brutal honesty. Thank you for showing concerns when I was down, and for seeing through all the craziness and weirdness, and for telling me to check my grammar and consistency with my tenses.

I would like to thank Paopao, for all the support. Thank you for being my pseudo-boyfriend, and for constantly checking-in on me on facebook, and for constantly reminding me that things are gonna be okay.

I would like to thank Iggy, for making me laugh with all your wit, and for laughing at my instagram videos. Can we party soon please!

I would like to thank Andy, for helping me with the instagram videos, and for being a great gay friend, and for offering wisdom to my young mind. Haha

I would like to thank my boss, for showing support even though I was a mess. And for letting me continue to work to get my mind off things, and for offering wisdom to my young mind as well.

I would like to thank my other boss, Marshe, for sharing your experiences and helping me analyze things, and for being an example of how a “Titanium” (the song) should be.

I would like to thank my Today X Future boys: Reiman, Chard, Borgy, Kim, Christian Bautista, Tres, Kuds, Mike Magallanes – for always being there, and for being in my life, and for being “HIPSTERS” lololol and for partying at Future with me. You guys don’t know how much you mean to me!

I would like to thank my instagram followers and the Lucas Lovers. Haha. You may be inexistent, but you make me feel like a star.

I would like to thank my friend Jonver, for being there when no one else from our old group was. There is more to you than what the bullies see.

I would like to thank Rafael, Von, Alex Gonzales, Jed, Jace, Jays, Michael Roy, Daniel Viterbo, Ryann, CJ, Nick, Julius, and NeuroticUniverse, and all of my facebook friends who read my blog, and for showing me support, and concern in the past few weeks.

I would like to thank my old friends for your reaction to my post, and for showing how concerned you all were with your image, more than how you hurt me.

I would like to thank Jacob (Eidolon) for your inputs and for your deep, no-nonsense thoughts about life and love, and for your support.

I would like to thank Sherlock and Earl. I love you guys. Thank you for the playlist you made me (though I have to be honest, I havent downloaded because Im using an iPhone Poor lol).

I would like to thank all the people who shared me their love stories after reading mine, and for making me feel that I am not alone in the world.

I would also like to thank my sisters, my aunt, and my cousins for not judging me after you found out I was gay through this blog. LOL SO FUNNY, yet I feel so loved.

I would like to thank Elly, and Pat, and Bien for the promise that you were gonna teach me Tekken! I am still waiting! :))

I would like to thank all my readers from all around the world. I get 1 or 2 views from different countries everytime, but it has been consistently the same countries, so thank you.

I would like to thank WordPress, for being easy to use, and for your iOS app.

I would like to thank our company, for not blocking WordPress.

If I forgot to thank anyone, I am so sorry, I am kinda sleepy. Tell me, and I will let my publisher, WordPress, know. Haha

Lastly, I would like to thank the universe, for giving me a lot of people to thank for.

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The Breakup Aftermath – Final Chapter

K, this is going to be a long read.

This is the final entry I will have for my (true to life) story, but I have been inspired lately that I wrote a fictional story about a guy trying to move on. It’s titled “Moving On”. LOL No thats too literal, but I think it is a good read and Im excited to share it with you. It won’t be about me trying to move on, but it revolves around that theme and this is the perfect time for me to write it because I can relate to the main character really well.

THE BREAKUP AFTERMATH – FINAL CHAPTER

GRINDR. DATING. FACEBOOK RELATIONSHIP STATUS. BEING A JERK. PARTYING. BOYS. INSTAGRAM VIDEOS. BLOG. BIRTH OF LUCAS KHAN.

That night when after all of that happened (from my previous post) I broke down. I didn’t just cry. I had a breakdown. I lost my faith in life. I suddenly questioned my life and felt that I wasted time spending it with people who would just hurt me.

Again, that was then. That was how I felt then. I’m not saying everybody wanted to hurt me, or betray me, and I am not saying they are evil. But that was how I felt. I felt that they just took me as “the boyfriend of our friend.”

You know what made it even worse? Nobody asked me how I was, even days after. They would reach out to me, yes. NOT ALL, only one or two people lang. They would say “Hey Kristian, tell us when you’re ready na ha.”

I said I wanted to leave our group muna, but I didn’t mean I could do it all by myself. Nobody asked me how I was. Nobody asked me how my heart is. Nobody showed they cared.

Well, maybe because nobody knew what I was going through then, but the thing is, when none of your friends check on you, what does that tell you?

Today, I have no idea what love is, and I have no idea what friendship means.

Here are things I did after the breakup.

GRINDR

Because I was alone, or felt that I was alone (ayan ha, clarify ko lang that that was how I felt at the time – mga echusera kasi kung maka react), I found comfort in Grindr (not Grindr Xtra lol). Am I proud of it? No, not one bit. Medyo nahihiya ako to admit my disgraceful actions, pero sabi ko nga, I want it all out there.

I talked to guys there. I met guys from there. Hindi lahat sex, pero yes I hooked up – not a lot, but I hooked up. It is embarrassing, but I liked how guys wanted me, how guys would make sundo with their cars, or make me hatid to wherever I wanted to go. Or treat me to movies. Or take me out to dinner. I felt validated. If you have been following me on twitter, sometimes ipinagmamayabang ko yun sa twitter. Kung gaano ako kaganda. Kung gaano ako kagwapo lol.

On social media, I made sure I tweeted and instagram-ed all of it because I knew somehow it would reach my ex and I wanted to hurt him. And I wanted to piss “our friends” off. And I wanted to piss everybody off.

DATING

*AJ the DJ*

I met a guy (itago natin sa pangalang AJ) who is a DJ, and we had plans on me getting DJ lessons from him. That excited me because my ex was a DJ, so I thought maybe if I became a DJ he would want me back.(SO SAD noh? Gusto ko saktan yung ex ko, pero gusto ko din magkabalikan kami. Baliwag lang to the nth level)

He was even planning on selling me his DJ Controller at a really cheap price.

I was delusional.

*Sushi-platter Guy*

While I was seeing the DJ, I was also seeing a 22-year old student who was a little geeky and guess what, he reminded me of Paul.

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The way he ate food, the way he played with his iPad, the way he would hug me, the way he would call inday, the way he looked, the way he smiled, it was all Paul. It was like I had a clone version of my ex. I liked him, he liked me, but I still wanted Paul.

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*Daddy Didodu (?)*

I also met a business man, who treated me really well. Sinusundo ako. Hinahatid. And all that, ah basta, I dated a lot.

It came to a point where nandiri na ako sa sarili ko, kasi niloloko ko lang lahat ng mga lalaking yun eh. Ayoko sa kanilang lahat. Everything meant nothing to me.

In a way, dating was my scapegoat. I didn’t want to deal with my sadness, and I lost touch of reality.

FACEBOOK RELATIONSHIP STATUS

I kept stalking my ex through twitter and facebook and instagram and everywhere. I read his tweets and he seemed really happy. He kept going clubbing and talking to “our friends” about the men in Singapore.

(Now I see that maybe he was doing that because I was doing the same thing, posting shit about grindr men. Our actions were magnifying each other’s actions.)

He seemed happy and he seemed okay. He wasn’t talking to me. None of our friends were talking to me either.

I was so mad I made up a lie about being “In a Relationship” on facebook, and I kept tweeting about how happy I was, even though I was just fooling myself. Delusional. BALIWAG LEVELS TALAGA NO??

BEING A JERK

I kept ranting on social media about stupid stuff. And I kept ranting shit towards my ex.

I don’t know… I just couldn’t stand seeing that he was doing well after the break up while I was so miserable.

PARTYING

I partied in drag once at a #GGSS party. One of the “Post-Breakup Craziness” I did.

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BOYS

At the party, I met a group of boys who were really nice to me. I dont know, maybe they saw how sad I was underneath all the makeup and the wig. They said I looked like Miles Hernandez. Basta they were nice to me, and they are really good friends of mine now.

I am even developing a crush on one of them, and I was open about it! Pero tsaka nako mag rerelationship ulit, kapag ready na ako. Have you read my post “Off-Story: Breakup Rant” yet? Kaya ako galit na galit kasi nga, hindi ko pa kaya to be with someone else yet, tapos siya getting over another guy na. I dont know his side of the story, but I think he is a douchebag.

INSTAGRAM VIDEOS

When Instagram made videos available, it made me happy. Siguro iniisip niyo its one of my “Post-Breakup Craziness” shit, but no, its not. When I started making videos kasi, dun ko narealize how sassy and witty I could be. When I’m making my videos, lagi akong tumatawa. I keep watching my videos din after because it makes me laugh and it reminds me of the great time I had making them. Putting on the make up and the wigs. Wala lang. Thats not me being emotional and crazy, my instagram videos are me being myself.

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My instagram videos make me happy. My instagram videos represent the happiness that I want to have in real life.

BLOG

I started this blog to share what happened to me. When I wrote Part I, it was the first time na inaccept ko yung fact na break na talaga kami. It was the first time I faced reality. And honestly, after writing I keep reading my entries until masanay na ako. Until hindi na ako naiiyak. Hanggang sa tanggap ko na ganun yung nangyari. I know I’m weird. I’m really doing this for myself. I’m not doing this para lang maawa yung mga tao sakin. Hindi ko to ginagawa para magalit kayo kay Paul.

May mga taong nagmemessage sakin after reading each post. Minsan empathetic messages, consoling messages, minsan galit, or telling me off.

My ex-boyfriend is a great guy. I would not have fallen in love with him, or would not have loved him (yes, LOVED, past tense) if he wasn’t. I don’t know what happened or why he did what he did, or how he is now (I dont read his tweets, or check his blog anymore, nor follow him on instagram, or tumblr, or path. And we are not facebook friends).

I guess people just grow apart, no matter how much you love each other. Its sad that ganito yung nangyari, but its part of life.

I don’t know why the universe let this happen to me. Or to us. I dont know what I did to deserve such pain.

This is from one of my favorite movies, Must Love Dogs:

“You know, but I think your heart grows back bigger. You know? Once you get the shit beat out of you. And, um, the universe lets your heart expand that way, and I think that’s the function of all this pain and heartache that you go through and you gotta go through that to come out to a better place and that’s how I see it, anyway.”


Right now, I feel better. Its only been less than two months. I dont know what’s in store for me. But I know that its over.

Am I a mess now? No. I WAS.

Am I in a better place? I hope so.

Work has been making me busy, got new projects to work on. On weekends, I spend time with new people, and I will continue meeting people. Right now, my life is really an open book. Its on the internet, goddamit! Its on social media sites. People judge you anyways, so I just show it 100%. Who I am on facebook and twitter and this blog is who I am in person, plus more!

I still miss Paul, sometimes. When I see his name, or when I go to a place where we have memories, or when I just remember him.

But I’m finally, unti-unti, letting go. He’s in the past now.

Do we still talk? Nope. He wants to start over, then let him start over. I am now starting over as well.

Thank you for reading my story.

I wish I had a better way to end The Breakup Series. But thank you for sharing my pain when you got sad or when you cried while reading my entries. Thank you for hating on Paul, when I hated Paul. Thank you for being mad, when I was mad.

Thank you for making me feel that I’m not alone.

Wala, basta, thank you.

Life goes on, Kristian! Life goes on.

Love, Lucas

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Another Distasteful and Childish Rant

Yesterday, I received mixed reactions about the previous post. Some people expressed empathy, some people expressed their disbelief on what I just posted on the internet.

Let me start by saying that this is my side of the story. This is everything I went through, my thoughts, my feelings, etc – ALL ME. Am I a bad person for writing about what I think and sharing what happened to me? For sharing how I perceived things?

YES, my story involves other people. Eh di isulat din nila yung side nila. Or yung ex ko, isulat din nya yung side niya.

I was told I was insensitive and my actions were very distasteful. Childish, even. Okay, I get it. My way of dealing with things is immature compared to how you do yours. I am a drama queen. But this is me. I do not tell you how to live your life. Right?

Why am I doing this blog? Because I want to share my story.

Do I do this to get attention? No, but who doesn’t appreciate attention?

Do I do this to get validation? No. If I wanted validation, I wouldn’t be posting things that I know people would be mad at me for.

I shared that I was hurt by what had happened. I did not say they meant it. I did not say they are bad people. Parang kay Paul, I never said he meant any of it. I never said that he is a bad person. Does he come off that way? Yes, kasi we don’t know his side of the story [yet?].

Were people represented in a bad light? Yes. Pero hindi naman ako gumagawa ng kwento. Even if they clarify things, it doesnt change the fact that I was hurt.

Do I know their intentions? Do I know why they said what they said? Do I know what they were thinking at the time? NO – KASI NGA THIS IS MY SIDE OF THE STORY. HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO POINT THAT OUT?

**So, now that you know how I felt at the time, or what I was going through, you have the upper hand. You now see things both in my perspective and in your perspective. You see where the disconnect is (or was) pero ang mangyayari you get appalled and tell me that I am not man enough to face you all in person.**

Anong ginawa ko sa inyo? Did I hurt any of you? Did I call any of you names? Siniraan ko ba kayo?

Everything I posted here on my blog is true to how I saw things. I did not make up any of it.

The Breakup Aftermath – Part II

It seemed like I was getting through the breakup really well. I convinced myself that I also wanted that breakup, that it was just temporary until he goes home. That we still loved each other. That we remain as friends.

I missed him. Everytime I woke up, I check my phone to see if he left me any messages. Everytime my phone rang, my heart wanted it to be him.

He promised kasi sakin na we would still talk and remain friends. I held on to that.

Ang sinasabi ko lang lagi sa sarili ko “He’s busy.”

Until I asked him. (This is the only screenshot I have of our messages)

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I dont know what was going on with him. I thought maybe hindi nya matanggap na wala na kami, or maybe he missed mo.

Hindi ko kiniconsider na gusto talaga niya akong kalimutan.

I recently just checked his blog to see if there waa anything I could link to why he was pushing me away. I saw this post.

“After the breakup, everything just seemed to fall into place. It has been very hard (still is) but I am going to get over this soon.”

Man, it was barely three weeks! Ganon bako kabigat? Hindi naman niya ako pinapalamon. I dont know what I was keeping him from. I really don’t. I dont know how I was keeping him from whatever it was.

Masyado ba akong negative na tao? What is it with me that kept him from whatever it is he wanted to reach. I have no clue. If you do please let me know because I am still going crazy thinking and thinking and thinking about it all, up to this day.

Some of you may already know, but I used to be a part of a blog group.

I was the so-called Editor. It was a group that Paul and his friends started, which I later joined and became part of their little group. They became my friends na din for the past year, and I spent most of my free time with Paul and his friends.

I didnt have a lot of time to make new friends of my own. Biggest mistake in my life.

When I got back from Singapore I sent them all a message, telling them I needed to take a leave of absence muna from the blog kasi I had a lot on my plate pa.

Their reply to me?

“Kristian, we understand. Thank you for the friendship. I hope this is not a goodbye, just a see you later.”

I broke up with Paul. I didn’t think I was breaking up with our friends.

I never told them how my heart was already in pieces and they crushed it even more. It was so unfair, I thought they were my friends.

I had one more person I thought I could lean on to. Paul and I met her at The Circle Beach Hostel on my birthday just this year.

We became really close instantly and she became part of our little group.

I was really counting on meeting her so I could talk about what I was going through. I knew she would understand bec she just recently had heart broken as well.

We agreed to meet one Wednesday night, and I was looking forward to it. She cancelled on me last minute, when I was about to go to the meeting place. She said she was sorry and rescheduled to meet on Thursday.

I said Okay it was fine, but I really really needed her. Thursday came and she cancelled on me again. I thought she was just really busy, until I saw her check-in on foursquare and tweet.

She was at the place I was supposed to meet her, with guess who! The same people who thanked me for my friendship.

Yun na yung breaking point ko. Thats when all the craziness started and I felt like the universe was really unfair to me.

Dun nako nagwala.

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Gusto ko nang mamatay. It was too much for me. It was just too much.

(To be continued…)

The Breakup Aftermath – Part I

First, I would like to say thank you for reading up to this point. I do not really intend to get a lot of readers, or get a lot of views. I just want to share my story and doing this is really helping me move on.

I also want to say that I do not intend to tarnish the reputation of my ex-boyfriend. This my side of the story – I don’t know his story (and probably never will). I’m sure he had his reasons for everything that happened.

Thank you for the empathy a lot of you have expressed to me privately. Im so sorry you got depressed. I did try to make it a bit lighter by sharing how we met, right? Or did that make it worse? Sorry na!

If I had a happier story, I would have loved to have shared it with you.

When I got home from NAIA, I have to admit, I was numb. It had been a depressing week. The first I did was pig out on Jollibee food.

I had Chicken Joy, Jolly Spaghetti, Jolly Fries, Burger Yum, and Pineapple Juice. I sorta ate my sadness away siguro. Jollibee is my comfort food.

I missed home. I missed Manila. I missed work. I missed the smell of my ratty apartment, and the noise of my old neighbor shouting and cursing at her indays.

[In a rusty, old-womanish, loud voice]: “Tawagin mo na si Jilliana, kakain kamo! Bilisan mo!”

If you follow me on instagram, you would kind of understand that I get my parody video ideas from her.

I was gone for only a week, but it felt like I was gone forever. I wasn’t necessarily happy to be home, but its good to be home.

So I was kinda indifferent. I was tired so I went to sleep. It was already 7AM. I landed Manila around 4AM.

When I woke up at about 2 or 3PM, I saw that he sent me a message on viber.

“Hey are you home safely?” Or something similar. [I have deleted all his messages na kasi ngayon eh].

Normally, I would reply:
“Hey babyyyyy! Sorry late reply, I just woke up. Yes Im home naaa. I miss you! Did you eat yet? Wubb you :3”

But given the change of circumstances, I just replied: “Hey sorry just woke up. Yes back home safely, thank you for asking.”

He then said: “Ok good.”

I still had a straight face on. I dont know why I was so indifferent. I took a bath, I changed my clothes, I brushed my teeth, and left home.

When I got to work that afternoon, I had tons of emails to go through so I did and read each one.

My activities were mundane, and I liked how mindless they required.

My colleague, Miyuki, was the first person to ask me how my trip went. She had always been a good friend of mine, and she was my mentor. She’s a mother of three beautiful kids, and God knows what hell she’s been through too.

“Oh asan ang pasalubong ko!” sabi nya, jokingly.

“Ha? Ahh sorry Miyuks, di ako nakabili!”

“Kamusta siya!” she asked, innocently.

I just looked at her and then she hugged me. I don’t know how I started crying. Basta hagulgol lang ako bigla. I didn’t have anyone to cry to at home. Kaya siguro ako napabigay kasi Miyuki is someone I really lean on.

After crying and making eksena at work for minutes, came the questions. People love drama. Aminin mo, or else you wouldn’t be reading this!

But people also care. I started telling the story, but I wasn’t strong enough to relive the pain. I told everybody that it was a mutual breakup, that it was romantic, that we broke up infront of Petronas Towers, and that we decided to give the relationship a rest muna but we still loved each other and that we were gonna wait until he comes back home.

I tweeted the same thing. Even my letter for him nakalagay dun diba “I’m glad our breakup isn’t one of those where two people loathe each other.”

It was easier that way. Atleast hindi masyadong masakit. Atleast parang may pag-asa pang maging kami ulit. Atleast mahal pa rin niya ako.

Kapag hinarap ko kasi nung time na yun ang katotohanan na gusto niya akong alisin sa buhay niya, baka wala kang nababasa ngayon.

(To be continued…)

The Breakup Aftermath

(soon)

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The Goodbye

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11:45 PM, April 28 ’13.

“Final boarding call for Flight TR2728 to Manila..”

23C – another aisle seat at the back. Again, I didnt choose that seat, it was chosen for me like the seat I was given at the flight from Manila to Singapore.
I guess the universe kinda knew that that’s what I wanted so it was given to me.

I hope the universe also knew that I didn’t want to breakup with Paul. And maybe it would’ve been given to me too.

But I don’t know. There were so many things that happened the entire week – things I never expected to happen in real life.. Things you only see in movies.. things you get to read in books.

It’s like it was all meant to happen.

I re-read my post before this entry and I cried a little bit.

“We talked for about a month, just enjoying or convos and just some kilig-kilg moments, pero honestly I wasn’t pursuing him. Gusto ko siya, and I’ve wanted to ask him out on a date for quite some time, pero I don’t.

Why not? Since I follow him on tumblr, and he posts personal stuff on there, I knew that after he graduates, he would be continuing his education and moving out to Singapore.

He’s Fil-Chi, so he comes from a well-off family. He’s studying Multi-Media Arts in DLSU-CSB Taft and graduating na siya this year.

I’ve never really thought of him as a boyfriend, kasi sayang lang kung aalis din siya eh, diba?”

I had that apprehension about having a relationship with Paul, and it was because of Singapore. I didnt want to take a risk.

But I fell in love.

I fell in love hard.

And I loved him with all my heart.

Then two years later, there I was – flying back to Manila from Singapore, carrying the pain of what I wanted to avoid in the beginning.

The cabin crew at that flight home was the same crew at the flight going abroad, with the exception of one cute guy who I could tell was new.

It was 1 AM, and the flight is more than 3 hours. I downloaded Rupauls episodes to keep me company at that lonely flight. There was a girl seated near the window, but she was asleep the entire time.

After watching all the fierce queens, I closed my eyes and I tried to sleep. Still had an hour left before landing in Manila.

I tried not to think about Paul. Pero diko siya maalis sa isip ko.

He didnt take me to the airport. But he did accompany me at the train station. I didnt want him to take me to the airport, and ayaw din nya akong ihatid kasi gabi na daw at baka masarhan siya ng MRT.

We didnt hug each other goodbye. Tapos nagmamadali pa syang umalis.

“I love you, Paul!” I said.

“I love you too” he mouthed, as he went down the escalator.

Thats how we said goodbye to each other.

I didnt get a hug from that idiot. A hug is just a hug, but a hug kasi shows that you really care about the person, especially if its a goodbye.

The guy I met at the sauna waited for me and gave me a kiss before he left.

The guy that I was with for two years, the guy I made all the effort to go to, the guy that I was ready to give everything, the guy I continued to love and forgive despite how cold and painful he treated me while I was there, mouthed “I love you too” while going down the escalator.

Its not a big deal. Maybe thats just how he is. But I really did deserve better.


While I was at the plane home, missing him, still trying to accept that it was over, he wrote me a letter on his blog, which I read a few days after.

If you see this, then this just means that we have already parted. I know this was hard for us, but I believe this is for the best. We may have ended this great thing we had, but it will for sure be in our hearts. We may have argued, fought, even to the point of breaking. But we survived. For almost two years we had so much lovely memories together. They were the best memories I had, honestly. I learned how to live, love and enjoy my life. But today, this all ends. When you fly back, we will part ways. We will separate. But we will never be alone.

Now I know how it feels to be heartbroken… I have underestimated it. I thought it was just a pathetic way to deal with sadness. I eat my words now. You changed me. You changed my outlook about living and loving. You opened my eyes to a lot of things and I am deeply grateful for that.

It is going to be very hard, honestly. Right now I am having breakdowns where I would just randomly cry. I am sorry when I was unfair to you, when I didn’t want to fulfil your last wish. I am scared that I might not forget, that I might not be able to move on. That I might be lonely and alone. But I know we will get through this. We are stronger as we think we are.

Now that our time has finally come to an end, I would like to thank you for being my love. You gave me so much when I was empty. You were there when I was alone. You guided me when I was lost. You were everything when I was nothing. You were you, and you made me happy. But now, it’s just going to be me now. I know it’s gonna be hard. Life is unfair. Things come, things go. But right now I am just cherishing of our happy moments together. Moving on will be very hard, but I have to try.

You are my first love, and forever will be the one. There’s no other you that compares.

And I obviously had a letter for him too.

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Heyou.

I just want to say thank you. Thank you because I know you spent half of your life building a wall to protect yourself from getting hurt, and you took the wall down and you let me in.

People say you are always happy, and have no worries in life because thats what you show the world. Thank you because you let me see the real you. Thank you because you showed me your emotions, and your vulnerability. Thank you because you let me take care of that little boy who was bullied in grade school.

Thank you because you let me love you completely.

Thank you for needing me. Its nice to feel needed, and important, and useful. You made me feel all of that.

Thank you for the beautiful memories we created together, and the ones that you created for me. Thank you for the hugs, the kisses, the patience, the effort, the time, and the sacrifices you made to keep us together and to make me happy.

Thank you for laughing at my jokes, even though you think they are lame. Thank you for listening to me when I rant about life. Thank you for pushing me to become better, and I have become better. I wouldn’t be the man that I am today if it weren’t for you.

We may not be together anymore, but I just want you to know, from the bottom of my heart, that I am always here for you. I’m glad that our breakup isn’t like one of those where two people loathe each other.

I love you, and nothing is ever gonna change that.

You are the love of my life.

I am always on your side, and even though I am not going to hold my life back and wait for you, I am always ready to drop everything and risk all of it, if ever you need me to.

Thank you so much for everything.

But most of all, thank you… for loving me.

Off-Story: The Beginning

Before I continue with The Breakup, I wanted to take this time to share with you how Paul and I met.

The ff are links to my tumblr account where I wrote about our love story.

Eto Naman Ang Love Story Ko

Part I

Part II

Part III

Part IV

Part V

Part VI

Part VII

Part VIII

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The Last Three Days – The Last Day

*Sunday, April 28, 2013

I checked out of the hostel at noon. My flight back to Manila was at midnight. The hostel receptionist told me that I could leave my things at the lounge and stay there until I have to leave. And I did. I ate a lot, talked to people who was also hanging out at the lounge, and downloaded Rupauls Drag race Season 5 episodes to watch at the plane.

I got a message from Paul asking me to meet him at Keypoint by 5PM.

At keypoint, we had a late lunch / early dinner. I had my last fix of Hainanese chicken rice in Singapore.

After eating, we walked around the Kampong Glam area. We weren’t talking again. He was quiet. I was quiet. I guess we both didn’t know what to say to each other.

Well, I did want to hug him.

I really did. I wanted to beg him to not push me away of his life. I wanted to hold his hand. It still wasn’t clear to me why we were breaking up.

We stopped walking when we got to Masjid Sultan.

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It was a breezy afternoon. There were lots of tourists. And birds. And we could hear music coming from the mosque.

We sat down at one of the benches, as I lit a cigarette. I looked at him.

“Ingat ka ah?” I told him.

“Ikaw din.”

“Don’t skip your meals. And get a lot of sleep, okay?”

“I will..” He said, matter-of-factly. “You should take care of yourself too.”

Then it got quiet again. I watched a group of Koreans buying Persian rugs, taking pictures, and having a good time. The cigarette in my hand was almost gone.

“OMG ang taba nung pigeon o. Look, look!” he told me.

And I saw the fat pigeon. It was almost as if it had no neck. It was walking like a penguin, even. I smiled. That fat pigeon was fat.

“I’m gonna miss you a lot.” I said, still looking at the fat pigeon. “It won’t be the same without you.”

“I”ll miss you too.”

Inang to puro na lang you too or me too. Hoy tandaan mo ikaw ang nakipagbreak ah. Pero wala akong magawa, mahal ko eh.

“I really don’t want us to break up.”

Akala ko mag “me too” din siya. I thought wrong.

“I’m sorry, but it has to be done. Dapat ginawa na nga natin to before I left.”

OUCH. Sige idiin mo pa, babe. Hindi naman masakit, HINDE!

“What made you decide?” I finally had the courage to ask.

“Ang hirap ng long distance relationship. Tapos minsan na nga lang tayo nagkita nag-aaway pa tayo…”

“…it was so hard when I first got here. I felt alone, and I missed you, and I needed you but you weren’t here. It was so hard…”

And he turned red. And started crying.

GUSTO KO SIYANG YAKAPIN PERO NAINIS AKO. TANGINA KAYA NGA KITA PINUNTAHAN DITO EH!!!

“… Im just so tried of feeling sad and Im tired of us fighting. I know normal lang mag-away, pero nung long distance na, Nag-away pa din tayo, at mas mahirap na siya…”

“But Paul thats why I’m here. Tsaka pansin mo ba, hindi tayo nag-away this time. Wala tayong pinag-awayan. I wanted to change your mind, I made sure I didnt cause any arguments. I made sure not to come off needy.”

“I can’t Kristian. I want to start a new life na. And I don’t want to miss out on my opportunities here in Singapore.”

“What do you mean? What opportunities?”

“Opportunities…” sabi niya

“Wait, how is our relationship going to stop from your work opportunities? DO YOU MEAN OPPORTUNITIES OF MEETING GUYS??”

He didn’t say anything. He just looked at me.

“WHAT THE FUCK PAUL, IS THAT WHAT THIS IS ABOUT?”

“Alam mo, this is why we should break up, its so hard to talk to you!”

“Tell, me, please tell me, what do you mean miss out on opportunities? How am I stopping you from all these ‘OPPORTUNITIES'”

He then stood up, “you are so frustrating.” He said to me. “Alam mo aalis na ako.”

“Thats so typical of you, the moment you get frustrated you walk away. You just run away from your problems like how you ran away here to Singapore.” I said, water running down my cheeks.

The tension was really high. He was about to leave, when a monk suddenly walked towards us, holding a wooden box.

He was smiling. I felt the tension fade instantly. The monk’s positive energy was so infectious.

I grabbed coins from my pocket and dropped them in the box he was holding. He nodded thank you and left.

He didnt go to other people in the area. He just left. But the anger in my heart was gone, and Paul sat back down.

Until now, I am still wondering how that happened. I promise over my dead boy I did not make that up.

“I love you, Paul…”

“I love you too…”

“You’re handling this breakup well” He said. “Kung siguro noon tayo nag-break, iyak ka ng iyak.”

KUNG ALAM MO LANG, ANG PAGTITIMPING GINAGAWA KO. KUNG ALAM MO LANG TALAGA.

“I told Vinch, and Vince, and Lee about us breaking up na.”

Ayaw niyang tumigil, guys. Parang gustong gusto nyang sinasaktan ako. Inannounce na sa mga tao na break na kami. Ako na nga nag-initiate ng conversation kahit siya ang gustong makipagbreak, siya pa tong excited magsabi sa mga tao.

“I told Vinch to see you when you get back, baka kailangan mo ng support”

AWW maraming salamat. At least you cared?

It was really the end of us.

“Are we still gonna continue talking, even as friends? I need you in my life” I said

“Of course.” sabi nya sakin, smiling. “so is there any place you still want to go to? Mamayang 12 pa flight mo right?”

“Well, honestly, wala na. I think I’ll just stay at the hostel and finish downloading my Rupauls.”

“Okay.”

I did not want him to take me to the airport. Pero pinilit niya na ihatid daw niya ako.

We agreed to meet around 10PM at the Bugis MRT Station. I went back to the hostel, and he went to play Tekken at Bugis Junction.

Pero ayoko na talaga syang makita.

(to be continued…)

The Last Three Days – (Part V)

I have to admit, the kiss felt good.

I felt alive.

I felt validated.

The kiss made me feel like things were going to be okay.

He then wrapped his arms around me, and then I cried. Who would’ve thought I would be crying in the arms of a naked man in a jacuzzi at a gay sauna. It was like a scene from an upcoming Coco Martin film.

After a few minutes, he took me to one of the dark rooms, and there we had sex.

[Cue music]

“Cause when I’m with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you
What you would do if
You were the one
Who was spending the night
Oh I wish that I
Was looking into your eyes”

Paul was on my mind the whole time. Katy Perry describes the experience so well with her lyrics.

It felt like I was cheating. It felt like I was betraying my soon-to-be ex-boyfriend.

“I was disgusted with myself.”

After the thing, he didn’t leave right away. We cuddled and continued to talk about random things. He was genuinely interested and sincere, and I was comfortable talking to him.

We talked for, I dont know, maybe an hour. It would’ve gone on longer if he only didn’t have to go. And I said I had to go too.

He went out first and took a shower, and I asked to stay behind.

When he closed the door, I laid down for a few minutes contemplating on whether I should be guilty about what happened or not.

I was confused. I didn’t think it was going to be that complicated. Or maybe it was just me being such a drama queen and an overthinker.

I then went out and grabbed a cigarette from my locker and stayed at the smoking area where a bunch of older men were playing Mahjong.

I was amused at the scene there. I didnt understand what they were all saying, and I didn’t know how the game is played. But they all seemed to enjoy it.

After smoking, I went back to the locker area and there I saw Malik, waiting for me.

“I’m leaving.” He said.

I didn’t know what to say.

We looked at each other for a few seconds.

I wanted to ask for his email or his facebook or maybe twitter (if he had one), but I couldn’t. It didn’t seem right to do so.

“It was nice to meet you.”

And he kissed me goodbye.

“Bye.”

I stood there, as I tried to take everything in.

Back at the hostel, I just watched another movie by myself at the lounge. I was able to sleep at around 4AM.

I woke up the next day and the first thing that came to my mind was…

“This is the last day.”

(to be continued…)