Love, Cosmic Panda

The Breakup Aftermath – Part II

It seemed like I was getting through the breakup really well. I convinced myself that I also wanted that breakup, that it was just temporary until he goes home. That we still loved each other. That we remain as friends.

I missed him. Everytime I woke up, I check my phone to see if he left me any messages. Everytime my phone rang, my heart wanted it to be him.

He promised kasi sakin na we would still talk and remain friends. I held on to that.

Ang sinasabi ko lang lagi sa sarili ko “He’s busy.”

Until I asked him. (This is the only screenshot I have of our messages)

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I dont know what was going on with him. I thought maybe hindi nya matanggap na wala na kami, or maybe he missed mo.

Hindi ko kiniconsider na gusto talaga niya akong kalimutan.

I recently just checked his blog to see if there waa anything I could link to why he was pushing me away. I saw this post.

“After the breakup, everything just seemed to fall into place. It has been very hard (still is) but I am going to get over this soon.”

Man, it was barely three weeks! Ganon bako kabigat? Hindi naman niya ako pinapalamon. I dont know what I was keeping him from. I really don’t. I dont know how I was keeping him from whatever it was.

Masyado ba akong negative na tao? What is it with me that kept him from whatever it is he wanted to reach. I have no clue. If you do please let me know because I am still going crazy thinking and thinking and thinking about it all, up to this day.

Some of you may already know, but I used to be a part of a blog group.

I was the so-called Editor. It was a group that Paul and his friends started, which I later joined and became part of their little group. They became my friends na din for the past year, and I spent most of my free time with Paul and his friends.

I didnt have a lot of time to make new friends of my own. Biggest mistake in my life.

When I got back from Singapore I sent them all a message, telling them I needed to take a leave of absence muna from the blog kasi I had a lot on my plate pa.

Their reply to me?

“Kristian, we understand. Thank you for the friendship. I hope this is not a goodbye, just a see you later.”

I broke up with Paul. I didn’t think I was breaking up with our friends.

I never told them how my heart was already in pieces and they crushed it even more. It was so unfair, I thought they were my friends.

I had one more person I thought I could lean on to. Paul and I met her at The Circle Beach Hostel on my birthday just this year.

We became really close instantly and she became part of our little group.

I was really counting on meeting her so I could talk about what I was going through. I knew she would understand bec she just recently had heart broken as well.

We agreed to meet one Wednesday night, and I was looking forward to it. She cancelled on me last minute, when I was about to go to the meeting place. She said she was sorry and rescheduled to meet on Thursday.

I said Okay it was fine, but I really really needed her. Thursday came and she cancelled on me again. I thought she was just really busy, until I saw her check-in on foursquare and tweet.

She was at the place I was supposed to meet her, with guess who! The same people who thanked me for my friendship.

Yun na yung breaking point ko. Thats when all the craziness started and I felt like the universe was really unfair to me.

Dun nako nagwala.

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Gusto ko nang mamatay. It was too much for me. It was just too much.

(To be continued…)

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The Breakup Aftermath – Part I

First, I would like to say thank you for reading up to this point. I do not really intend to get a lot of readers, or get a lot of views. I just want to share my story and doing this is really helping me move on.

I also want to say that I do not intend to tarnish the reputation of my ex-boyfriend. This my side of the story – I don’t know his story (and probably never will). I’m sure he had his reasons for everything that happened.

Thank you for the empathy a lot of you have expressed to me privately. Im so sorry you got depressed. I did try to make it a bit lighter by sharing how we met, right? Or did that make it worse? Sorry na!

If I had a happier story, I would have loved to have shared it with you.

When I got home from NAIA, I have to admit, I was numb. It had been a depressing week. The first I did was pig out on Jollibee food.

I had Chicken Joy, Jolly Spaghetti, Jolly Fries, Burger Yum, and Pineapple Juice. I sorta ate my sadness away siguro. Jollibee is my comfort food.

I missed home. I missed Manila. I missed work. I missed the smell of my ratty apartment, and the noise of my old neighbor shouting and cursing at her indays.

[In a rusty, old-womanish, loud voice]: “Tawagin mo na si Jilliana, kakain kamo! Bilisan mo!”

If you follow me on instagram, you would kind of understand that I get my parody video ideas from her.

I was gone for only a week, but it felt like I was gone forever. I wasn’t necessarily happy to be home, but its good to be home.

So I was kinda indifferent. I was tired so I went to sleep. It was already 7AM. I landed Manila around 4AM.

When I woke up at about 2 or 3PM, I saw that he sent me a message on viber.

“Hey are you home safely?” Or something similar. [I have deleted all his messages na kasi ngayon eh].

Normally, I would reply:
“Hey babyyyyy! Sorry late reply, I just woke up. Yes Im home naaa. I miss you! Did you eat yet? Wubb you :3”

But given the change of circumstances, I just replied: “Hey sorry just woke up. Yes back home safely, thank you for asking.”

He then said: “Ok good.”

I still had a straight face on. I dont know why I was so indifferent. I took a bath, I changed my clothes, I brushed my teeth, and left home.

When I got to work that afternoon, I had tons of emails to go through so I did and read each one.

My activities were mundane, and I liked how mindless they required.

My colleague, Miyuki, was the first person to ask me how my trip went. She had always been a good friend of mine, and she was my mentor. She’s a mother of three beautiful kids, and God knows what hell she’s been through too.

“Oh asan ang pasalubong ko!” sabi nya, jokingly.

“Ha? Ahh sorry Miyuks, di ako nakabili!”

“Kamusta siya!” she asked, innocently.

I just looked at her and then she hugged me. I don’t know how I started crying. Basta hagulgol lang ako bigla. I didn’t have anyone to cry to at home. Kaya siguro ako napabigay kasi Miyuki is someone I really lean on.

After crying and making eksena at work for minutes, came the questions. People love drama. Aminin mo, or else you wouldn’t be reading this!

But people also care. I started telling the story, but I wasn’t strong enough to relive the pain. I told everybody that it was a mutual breakup, that it was romantic, that we broke up infront of Petronas Towers, and that we decided to give the relationship a rest muna but we still loved each other and that we were gonna wait until he comes back home.

I tweeted the same thing. Even my letter for him nakalagay dun diba “I’m glad our breakup isn’t one of those where two people loathe each other.”

It was easier that way. Atleast hindi masyadong masakit. Atleast parang may pag-asa pang maging kami ulit. Atleast mahal pa rin niya ako.

Kapag hinarap ko kasi nung time na yun ang katotohanan na gusto niya akong alisin sa buhay niya, baka wala kang nababasa ngayon.

(To be continued…)

The Breakup Aftermath

(soon)

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The Goodbye

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11:45 PM, April 28 ’13.

“Final boarding call for Flight TR2728 to Manila..”

23C – another aisle seat at the back. Again, I didnt choose that seat, it was chosen for me like the seat I was given at the flight from Manila to Singapore.
I guess the universe kinda knew that that’s what I wanted so it was given to me.

I hope the universe also knew that I didn’t want to breakup with Paul. And maybe it would’ve been given to me too.

But I don’t know. There were so many things that happened the entire week – things I never expected to happen in real life.. Things you only see in movies.. things you get to read in books.

It’s like it was all meant to happen.

I re-read my post before this entry and I cried a little bit.

“We talked for about a month, just enjoying or convos and just some kilig-kilg moments, pero honestly I wasn’t pursuing him. Gusto ko siya, and I’ve wanted to ask him out on a date for quite some time, pero I don’t.

Why not? Since I follow him on tumblr, and he posts personal stuff on there, I knew that after he graduates, he would be continuing his education and moving out to Singapore.

He’s Fil-Chi, so he comes from a well-off family. He’s studying Multi-Media Arts in DLSU-CSB Taft and graduating na siya this year.

I’ve never really thought of him as a boyfriend, kasi sayang lang kung aalis din siya eh, diba?”

I had that apprehension about having a relationship with Paul, and it was because of Singapore. I didnt want to take a risk.

But I fell in love.

I fell in love hard.

And I loved him with all my heart.

Then two years later, there I was – flying back to Manila from Singapore, carrying the pain of what I wanted to avoid in the beginning.

The cabin crew at that flight home was the same crew at the flight going abroad, with the exception of one cute guy who I could tell was new.

It was 1 AM, and the flight is more than 3 hours. I downloaded Rupauls episodes to keep me company at that lonely flight. There was a girl seated near the window, but she was asleep the entire time.

After watching all the fierce queens, I closed my eyes and I tried to sleep. Still had an hour left before landing in Manila.

I tried not to think about Paul. Pero diko siya maalis sa isip ko.

He didnt take me to the airport. But he did accompany me at the train station. I didnt want him to take me to the airport, and ayaw din nya akong ihatid kasi gabi na daw at baka masarhan siya ng MRT.

We didnt hug each other goodbye. Tapos nagmamadali pa syang umalis.

“I love you, Paul!” I said.

“I love you too” he mouthed, as he went down the escalator.

Thats how we said goodbye to each other.

I didnt get a hug from that idiot. A hug is just a hug, but a hug kasi shows that you really care about the person, especially if its a goodbye.

The guy I met at the sauna waited for me and gave me a kiss before he left.

The guy that I was with for two years, the guy I made all the effort to go to, the guy that I was ready to give everything, the guy I continued to love and forgive despite how cold and painful he treated me while I was there, mouthed “I love you too” while going down the escalator.

Its not a big deal. Maybe thats just how he is. But I really did deserve better.


While I was at the plane home, missing him, still trying to accept that it was over, he wrote me a letter on his blog, which I read a few days after.

If you see this, then this just means that we have already parted. I know this was hard for us, but I believe this is for the best. We may have ended this great thing we had, but it will for sure be in our hearts. We may have argued, fought, even to the point of breaking. But we survived. For almost two years we had so much lovely memories together. They were the best memories I had, honestly. I learned how to live, love and enjoy my life. But today, this all ends. When you fly back, we will part ways. We will separate. But we will never be alone.

Now I know how it feels to be heartbroken… I have underestimated it. I thought it was just a pathetic way to deal with sadness. I eat my words now. You changed me. You changed my outlook about living and loving. You opened my eyes to a lot of things and I am deeply grateful for that.

It is going to be very hard, honestly. Right now I am having breakdowns where I would just randomly cry. I am sorry when I was unfair to you, when I didn’t want to fulfil your last wish. I am scared that I might not forget, that I might not be able to move on. That I might be lonely and alone. But I know we will get through this. We are stronger as we think we are.

Now that our time has finally come to an end, I would like to thank you for being my love. You gave me so much when I was empty. You were there when I was alone. You guided me when I was lost. You were everything when I was nothing. You were you, and you made me happy. But now, it’s just going to be me now. I know it’s gonna be hard. Life is unfair. Things come, things go. But right now I am just cherishing of our happy moments together. Moving on will be very hard, but I have to try.

You are my first love, and forever will be the one. There’s no other you that compares.

And I obviously had a letter for him too.

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Heyou.

I just want to say thank you. Thank you because I know you spent half of your life building a wall to protect yourself from getting hurt, and you took the wall down and you let me in.

People say you are always happy, and have no worries in life because thats what you show the world. Thank you because you let me see the real you. Thank you because you showed me your emotions, and your vulnerability. Thank you because you let me take care of that little boy who was bullied in grade school.

Thank you because you let me love you completely.

Thank you for needing me. Its nice to feel needed, and important, and useful. You made me feel all of that.

Thank you for the beautiful memories we created together, and the ones that you created for me. Thank you for the hugs, the kisses, the patience, the effort, the time, and the sacrifices you made to keep us together and to make me happy.

Thank you for laughing at my jokes, even though you think they are lame. Thank you for listening to me when I rant about life. Thank you for pushing me to become better, and I have become better. I wouldn’t be the man that I am today if it weren’t for you.

We may not be together anymore, but I just want you to know, from the bottom of my heart, that I am always here for you. I’m glad that our breakup isn’t like one of those where two people loathe each other.

I love you, and nothing is ever gonna change that.

You are the love of my life.

I am always on your side, and even though I am not going to hold my life back and wait for you, I am always ready to drop everything and risk all of it, if ever you need me to.

Thank you so much for everything.

But most of all, thank you… for loving me.

Off-Story: The Beginning

Before I continue with The Breakup, I wanted to take this time to share with you how Paul and I met.

The ff are links to my tumblr account where I wrote about our love story.

Eto Naman Ang Love Story Ko

Part I

Part II

Part III

Part IV

Part V

Part VI

Part VII

Part VIII

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The Last Three Days – The Last Day

*Sunday, April 28, 2013

I checked out of the hostel at noon. My flight back to Manila was at midnight. The hostel receptionist told me that I could leave my things at the lounge and stay there until I have to leave. And I did. I ate a lot, talked to people who was also hanging out at the lounge, and downloaded Rupauls Drag race Season 5 episodes to watch at the plane.

I got a message from Paul asking me to meet him at Keypoint by 5PM.

At keypoint, we had a late lunch / early dinner. I had my last fix of Hainanese chicken rice in Singapore.

After eating, we walked around the Kampong Glam area. We weren’t talking again. He was quiet. I was quiet. I guess we both didn’t know what to say to each other.

Well, I did want to hug him.

I really did. I wanted to beg him to not push me away of his life. I wanted to hold his hand. It still wasn’t clear to me why we were breaking up.

We stopped walking when we got to Masjid Sultan.

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It was a breezy afternoon. There were lots of tourists. And birds. And we could hear music coming from the mosque.

We sat down at one of the benches, as I lit a cigarette. I looked at him.

“Ingat ka ah?” I told him.

“Ikaw din.”

“Don’t skip your meals. And get a lot of sleep, okay?”

“I will..” He said, matter-of-factly. “You should take care of yourself too.”

Then it got quiet again. I watched a group of Koreans buying Persian rugs, taking pictures, and having a good time. The cigarette in my hand was almost gone.

“OMG ang taba nung pigeon o. Look, look!” he told me.

And I saw the fat pigeon. It was almost as if it had no neck. It was walking like a penguin, even. I smiled. That fat pigeon was fat.

“I’m gonna miss you a lot.” I said, still looking at the fat pigeon. “It won’t be the same without you.”

“I”ll miss you too.”

Inang to puro na lang you too or me too. Hoy tandaan mo ikaw ang nakipagbreak ah. Pero wala akong magawa, mahal ko eh.

“I really don’t want us to break up.”

Akala ko mag “me too” din siya. I thought wrong.

“I’m sorry, but it has to be done. Dapat ginawa na nga natin to before I left.”

OUCH. Sige idiin mo pa, babe. Hindi naman masakit, HINDE!

“What made you decide?” I finally had the courage to ask.

“Ang hirap ng long distance relationship. Tapos minsan na nga lang tayo nagkita nag-aaway pa tayo…”

“…it was so hard when I first got here. I felt alone, and I missed you, and I needed you but you weren’t here. It was so hard…”

And he turned red. And started crying.

GUSTO KO SIYANG YAKAPIN PERO NAINIS AKO. TANGINA KAYA NGA KITA PINUNTAHAN DITO EH!!!

“… Im just so tried of feeling sad and Im tired of us fighting. I know normal lang mag-away, pero nung long distance na, Nag-away pa din tayo, at mas mahirap na siya…”

“But Paul thats why I’m here. Tsaka pansin mo ba, hindi tayo nag-away this time. Wala tayong pinag-awayan. I wanted to change your mind, I made sure I didnt cause any arguments. I made sure not to come off needy.”

“I can’t Kristian. I want to start a new life na. And I don’t want to miss out on my opportunities here in Singapore.”

“What do you mean? What opportunities?”

“Opportunities…” sabi niya

“Wait, how is our relationship going to stop from your work opportunities? DO YOU MEAN OPPORTUNITIES OF MEETING GUYS??”

He didn’t say anything. He just looked at me.

“WHAT THE FUCK PAUL, IS THAT WHAT THIS IS ABOUT?”

“Alam mo, this is why we should break up, its so hard to talk to you!”

“Tell, me, please tell me, what do you mean miss out on opportunities? How am I stopping you from all these ‘OPPORTUNITIES'”

He then stood up, “you are so frustrating.” He said to me. “Alam mo aalis na ako.”

“Thats so typical of you, the moment you get frustrated you walk away. You just run away from your problems like how you ran away here to Singapore.” I said, water running down my cheeks.

The tension was really high. He was about to leave, when a monk suddenly walked towards us, holding a wooden box.

He was smiling. I felt the tension fade instantly. The monk’s positive energy was so infectious.

I grabbed coins from my pocket and dropped them in the box he was holding. He nodded thank you and left.

He didnt go to other people in the area. He just left. But the anger in my heart was gone, and Paul sat back down.

Until now, I am still wondering how that happened. I promise over my dead boy I did not make that up.

“I love you, Paul…”

“I love you too…”

“You’re handling this breakup well” He said. “Kung siguro noon tayo nag-break, iyak ka ng iyak.”

KUNG ALAM MO LANG, ANG PAGTITIMPING GINAGAWA KO. KUNG ALAM MO LANG TALAGA.

“I told Vinch, and Vince, and Lee about us breaking up na.”

Ayaw niyang tumigil, guys. Parang gustong gusto nyang sinasaktan ako. Inannounce na sa mga tao na break na kami. Ako na nga nag-initiate ng conversation kahit siya ang gustong makipagbreak, siya pa tong excited magsabi sa mga tao.

“I told Vinch to see you when you get back, baka kailangan mo ng support”

AWW maraming salamat. At least you cared?

It was really the end of us.

“Are we still gonna continue talking, even as friends? I need you in my life” I said

“Of course.” sabi nya sakin, smiling. “so is there any place you still want to go to? Mamayang 12 pa flight mo right?”

“Well, honestly, wala na. I think I’ll just stay at the hostel and finish downloading my Rupauls.”

“Okay.”

I did not want him to take me to the airport. Pero pinilit niya na ihatid daw niya ako.

We agreed to meet around 10PM at the Bugis MRT Station. I went back to the hostel, and he went to play Tekken at Bugis Junction.

Pero ayoko na talaga syang makita.

(to be continued…)

The Last Three Days – (Part V)

I have to admit, the kiss felt good.

I felt alive.

I felt validated.

The kiss made me feel like things were going to be okay.

He then wrapped his arms around me, and then I cried. Who would’ve thought I would be crying in the arms of a naked man in a jacuzzi at a gay sauna. It was like a scene from an upcoming Coco Martin film.

After a few minutes, he took me to one of the dark rooms, and there we had sex.

[Cue music]

“Cause when I’m with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you
What you would do if
You were the one
Who was spending the night
Oh I wish that I
Was looking into your eyes”

Paul was on my mind the whole time. Katy Perry describes the experience so well with her lyrics.

It felt like I was cheating. It felt like I was betraying my soon-to-be ex-boyfriend.

“I was disgusted with myself.”

After the thing, he didn’t leave right away. We cuddled and continued to talk about random things. He was genuinely interested and sincere, and I was comfortable talking to him.

We talked for, I dont know, maybe an hour. It would’ve gone on longer if he only didn’t have to go. And I said I had to go too.

He went out first and took a shower, and I asked to stay behind.

When he closed the door, I laid down for a few minutes contemplating on whether I should be guilty about what happened or not.

I was confused. I didn’t think it was going to be that complicated. Or maybe it was just me being such a drama queen and an overthinker.

I then went out and grabbed a cigarette from my locker and stayed at the smoking area where a bunch of older men were playing Mahjong.

I was amused at the scene there. I didnt understand what they were all saying, and I didn’t know how the game is played. But they all seemed to enjoy it.

After smoking, I went back to the locker area and there I saw Malik, waiting for me.

“I’m leaving.” He said.

I didn’t know what to say.

We looked at each other for a few seconds.

I wanted to ask for his email or his facebook or maybe twitter (if he had one), but I couldn’t. It didn’t seem right to do so.

“It was nice to meet you.”

And he kissed me goodbye.

“Bye.”

I stood there, as I tried to take everything in.

Back at the hostel, I just watched another movie by myself at the lounge. I was able to sleep at around 4AM.

I woke up the next day and the first thing that came to my mind was…

“This is the last day.”

(to be continued…)

The Last Three Days (Part IV) – An Untold Story

This story that I’m about to share with you is something I’ve never told anyone. I am ashamed. But I owe it to you, my readers, you deserve the truth.

I fell asleep after crying on the bed that afternoon. When I woke up, the room was dark. I checked the time on my phone and it was 8PM.

5PM in Singapore is like 3PM here, and 7PM is only when it starts to get dark.

I forgot to take my contact lenses off, so my eyes hurt a little bit. Partly because I slept with them on, and mostly because my eyes were swollen from the crying.

I got out of bed and went to the roofdeck of the hostel. There, it was movie night. All the backpackers were watching Hangover, using a projector. Everybody from all over the world was there. They were all laughing. There was also free food, and that made me happy.

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I received a message from Paul asking me where I wanted to go clubbing that night. I didn’t want to see him.

I stayed and watched the movie, even though I am not a fan of Hangover. I finished 3 bags of chips and 2 cans of beer. And half a pack of Marlboro Lights.

After the movie, some of the people there invited me to go out and have dinner with them and I said yes I would follow. I just had to help the staff with getting the projector, and the chairs fixed.

“That was a great movie!” I told her.

“I know right! Its so funny!” she replied.

“So do you always have movie nights here on weekends?”

“Well, we try to do different activities every weekend. And today was movie night!”

“Awesomeee”

“Yeah last weekend we had barbecue night.”

“OMG I would have loved to have been there.”

“Hahaha yes that was really fun.” “Hey uhm didn’t you check out last Wednesday?” she hesitantly asked.

“Yes, I went to Malaysia with..” I couldn’t say the word boyfriend.

“… a friend.”

“Oh I’m from Malaysia! Where did you stay there?”

“We stayed at Kuala Lumpur with another friend for a few days, and now Im back here!”

“Until when are you gonna be here?” she asked.

“I check out tomorrow.” I said, while I pulled a table.

“Are you here for just vacation or are you a backpacker?”

“Vacation. And I go back to the Philippines tomorrow”

“I hope you had a great time in Singapore.”

And the conversation went on until we finished fixing the place.

I wanted to watch more movies that night, so I asked her to setup the TV in the lounge, and she did before we said goodbye.

At the lounge I watched “Jeff, Who Lives At Home” and a few guys joined me. There was one guy from Japan, one guy from India, and one guy from the UK. We all had a great time with the film. It was a feel good film.

The movie finished at 11PM and they all said goodnight after.

I was the only person left at the lounge. And then I felt lonely and depressed again.

I needed comfort. I needed to feel wanted. Please don’t judge me with the next part of the story.

Singapore had a lot of Gay Saunas. And I googled the nearest one. There was Keybox. It was two blocks away from Arab St. I went there. I paid $10 for the membership.

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It was my first time at a gay sauna. People go there to hookup. There were beds, dark rooms, a sauna, jacuzzi, and a lounge.

The place was full of half-naked guys at the time. It was a mix of different kinds of men. There were guys my age, older guys, foreigners, bears, and twinks, and muscle men.

Everybody was looking at me. Maybe they sensed it was my first time at a sauna. Or maybe they all knew I was new and that got them excited. Well, you know, I’m good-looking so I don’t blame them.

I liked the attention. Especially after being rejected by the one person I loved the most.

But I wasn’t interested with any of them. I kept seeing Paul’s face.

I got into the jacuzzi and there was one guy who was already there. I didn’t look at his face. I was a little embarrassed being naked in a jacuzzi with someone else – but that was so much better than being all alone at the hostel lounge.

I was just enjoying the water, YES HONESTLY. JUST THE WATER.

And then the guy suddenly moved near me. And nearer. And nearer. Until he was already sitting beside me.

I looked at him and he smiled at me.

“Hello, I’m Malik” he said.

He looked pinoy. But his accent said otherwise.

“Hi Im Kristian.”

He reminded me of a celebrity, I didnt know who.

“How are you?” he said.

“Good how are you” I said back.

“Same” he said. “Well, a little tired… I just finished my service in the military.”

“Rayver Cruz.” I said out loud.

“What?”

“Nothing, you were saying?” And we continued to chat.

He reminded me of Rayver Cruz. A moreno version of Rayver Cruz. Yes, those darling lips, and cute eyes, all said Rayver Cruz.

He wasnt trying to touch me, which I appreciated. We were both naked in that jacuzzi, but we weren’t doing anything sexual to each other.

We chatted about him being in the military service and how it was required of him. And we talked about Malaysia, where his family is from, and we talked about the Philippines.

Then he asked me what I was doing in Singapore alone. He was a stranger. A really really cute stranger who was nice to me. I wouldn’t lose anything if I told him my story so I did.

I was on the verge of tears, but I was trying to hold it back. I was still making kwento, when he suddenly kissed me.

I was shocked.

“You deserve better.” He said.

(to be continued…)

Off-Story: Breakup Rant

Okay, this post is a little off the story but I want to share something that has been making me angry these past few days.

My ex-boyfriend just posted on his blog that he got his karma.

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Here’s the link:

http://paulsherwinang.com/blog/2013/06/22/every-chance/

Apparently, he has been seeing this Singaporean guy; but the guy, I think, is in a relationship so they can’t be together. He was vague with the details, maybe he was ashamed.

Paul cried over him and felt betrayed after thinking they had something special.

How do I feel about it?

Okay, let me BREAK IT DOWN.

1. After the breakup, I admit I’ve gone out on a few dates, I’ve been talking to guys, and I’ve hooked up once (or twice) – and thats normal.

Dating after a breakup is one thing, but actually trying to be with someone, and having feelings for them? It’s only been one month, and we were together for two years. TWO FUCKING YEARS.

I DONT KNOW, MAYBE ITS THE HAZE.

2. I thought that he broke up with me because he didn’t want to feel guilty about slutting around with all the men in Singapore.

I get it, long distance relationship = lots of temptations.

I accepted that and I didnt judge him. And you know why? Because he told me that he still loved me and that I will forever be the one.

LOAD OF CRAP.

3. Here are my theories:

a. He has been dating that guy while we were still “together” – And that explains why he was excited to go back from Malaysia to Singapore as a single guy, and why he decided to break up with me in the first place.

ASSHOLE.

b. He got over me really fast, found someone more worthy (impossible, but whatever), and tried to love again.

That was really fast for him to get over me.

DOUCHEBAG.

c. He felt guilty about what he did, so he got himself into a situation where he knew he was gonna end up being heartbroken, blogged about it, and think that it will absolve him of the shit he did.

NO, BITCH, YOU CAN’T CREATE YOUR OWN KARMA.

d. He’s insecure. When we broke up, no one validated him anymore, and he needed someone to do that.

POOR GUY. BUT HE BROKE UP WITH ME, SO YEAH.

There thats the end of my rant. Im not hurt, and I wont cry about it (Excuse me, sa ganda kong to girl please).

Let the record show that this rant is the end of it, I’m over it, point blank case closed yes gawd halleeloo.

The Last Three Days (Part III)

The ticket to Johor Bahru from Kuala Lumpur costs MYR35.00, which is equivalent to php500.

It wasnt wise to waste php500 and buy another ticket. I was heartbroken, but I’m not stupid. So I decided to get on the bus.

I survived being pushed away for days.

I got through two nights of sleeping on the same bed with the guy who broke my heart.

What was another four hours.

When we arrived at Johor Bahru, it was raining, and it made the commute a little stressful.

From there, it was one more bus ride to Singapore.

The getting off and the getting on the bus to pass through the Malaysian and Singaporean immigrations annoyed me. I just wanted to get it over with and be away from Paul.

After the bus ride, MRT naman ang next.

“OMG yes finally I can go to the hostel, get a comfy bed and rest.”

Then it hit me. Akala ko yun na yun, hindi pa pala.

Before our trip kasi, I left some of my things at Paul’s place so I could travel lighter.

Soooo, I had to get off at Outram Park with him to get my stuff. ARGHHH

Iritable na talaga ako.

I was tired, I hated him, and I was hungry.

“Paul, I’m hungry. Can we eat?”

“Where do you want to eat?”

“Dun na sa may malapit sa inyo. Im so tireddddd.”

We got off at Outram Park and walked to his building. When we got to his place, he went inside to drop his things off and to bring me mine.

Yes, he went in and he had me waiting outside the door. Didnt offer me to come in and sit or rest for a bit or whatever.

Why didnt I JUST go in? HE CLOSED THE FUCKING DOOR ON ME. WOW diba. JUST WOW.

I didnt say anything. “Two more days.” I kept repeating to myself. “Two days more.”

When he got out, we went to the food place and ordered Chinese food. He chatted about the differences between Singaporean, Malaysian, Thai, and Indian food. And how spicy they all were. And how he liked spicy food. And how Pinoy-food-spicy is nothing compared to those and blah blah fucking blah.

I just ate my anger away and pretended I was interested in what he was saying. Its the same thing he talks about. Singapore is like this, this Indian word is this, and blah blah fucking blah.

After eating, I was so tired I couldn’t do anymore walking, so I told him I would just ride a cab to Arab St.

When I got in the cab, I saw him waving goodbye to me but I didn’t look at him.

I didn’t wave back.

I was so exhausted when I got to the hostel. I looked at my watch and it was 5PM. The 16-bed dorm room I checked-in to was empty. There were luggages all around, but everybody was out.

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I placed my bags inside my locker, went to my bed, covered myself with the comforter, and hugged my pillow tight.

Then I burst into tears.

(To be continued…)