It seemed like I was getting through the breakup really well. I convinced myself that I also wanted that breakup, that it was just temporary until he goes home. That we still loved each other. That we remain as friends.
I missed him. Everytime I woke up, I check my phone to see if he left me any messages. Everytime my phone rang, my heart wanted it to be him.
He promised kasi sakin na we would still talk and remain friends. I held on to that.
Ang sinasabi ko lang lagi sa sarili ko “He’s busy.”
Until I asked him. (This is the only screenshot I have of our messages)
I dont know what was going on with him. I thought maybe hindi nya matanggap na wala na kami, or maybe he missed mo.
Hindi ko kiniconsider na gusto talaga niya akong kalimutan.
I recently just checked his blog to see if there waa anything I could link to why he was pushing me away. I saw this post.
“After the breakup, everything just seemed to fall into place. It has been very hard (still is) but I am going to get over this soon.”
Man, it was barely three weeks! Ganon bako kabigat? Hindi naman niya ako pinapalamon. I dont know what I was keeping him from. I really don’t. I dont know how I was keeping him from whatever it was.
Masyado ba akong negative na tao? What is it with me that kept him from whatever it is he wanted to reach. I have no clue. If you do please let me know because I am still going crazy thinking and thinking and thinking about it all, up to this day.
Some of you may already know, but I used to be a part of a blog group.
I was the so-called Editor. It was a group that Paul and his friends started, which I later joined and became part of their little group. They became my friends na din for the past year, and I spent most of my free time with Paul and his friends.
I didnt have a lot of time to make new friends of my own. Biggest mistake in my life.
When I got back from Singapore I sent them all a message, telling them I needed to take a leave of absence muna from the blog kasi I had a lot on my plate pa.
Their reply to me?
“Kristian, we understand. Thank you for the friendship. I hope this is not a goodbye, just a see you later.”
I broke up with Paul. I didn’t think I was breaking up with our friends.
I never told them how my heart was already in pieces and they crushed it even more. It was so unfair, I thought they were my friends.
I had one more person I thought I could lean on to. Paul and I met her at The Circle Beach Hostel on my birthday just this year.
We became really close instantly and she became part of our little group.
I was really counting on meeting her so I could talk about what I was going through. I knew she would understand bec she just recently had heart broken as well.
We agreed to meet one Wednesday night, and I was looking forward to it. She cancelled on me last minute, when I was about to go to the meeting place. She said she was sorry and rescheduled to meet on Thursday.
I said Okay it was fine, but I really really needed her. Thursday came and she cancelled on me again. I thought she was just really busy, until I saw her check-in on foursquare and tweet.
She was at the place I was supposed to meet her, with guess who! The same people who thanked me for my friendship.
Yun na yung breaking point ko. Thats when all the craziness started and I felt like the universe was really unfair to me.
Dun nako nagwala.
Gusto ko nang mamatay. It was too much for me. It was just too much.
(To be continued…)