Love, Cosmic Panda

Tag: asian

Chapter One: Rob (Part II)

I totally caught him by surprise.

He looked away though and I think it was cute how he did so.

Parang gulat na gulat siya na nag eye contact kami. Like it was impossible for us to make eye contact, yet we did.

I waited for him to look at me again, but he didn’t so I left.

I walked all the way to Jamba Juice and there I ordered my favorite drink. I stayed there for a while and thought about how Jim and I used to go there all the time.

We had our favorite spot at JJ, near the entrance. I still miss him. Inaasar na nga ako ng mga friends ko, ako daw ba si Adele, di maka move on.

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I was hurt with the joke at first and I didn’t talk to them for a while. It took them a long time before they could joke about me like that again. Emotional bitch kasi ako, and overly dramatic; so after the breakup, everybody was walking on egg shells around me.

I love my friends. I don’t know how I would’ve survived without them.

There was a couple sitting at our (used to be) favorite spot. Both guys were wearing a white shirt and they looked so cute together. I missed my boyfriend again, I mean EX-BOYFRIEND. Tangina, bakit hindi ako masanay na gamiting ang EX-BOYFRIEND. EX.

People used to say that we both looked good together, and at some point even looked like each other. Sabi nila may ibig sabihin daw pag ganun, pero hindi ko naman alam kung ano.

I couldn’t stand seeing that gay couple, so I grabbed my bag and my drink and went out as fast as I could.

When I stepped out of Jamba Juice, thinking of what to do next, I saw the guy I had eye contact earlier again. He was sitting at one of the benches, thinking really deeply.

He looked really serious, but kinda lonely.

I don’t usually come up to guys and talk to them, but he looked like he needed some company.  And, to be honest, I also needed some company.

I walked right up to him and said hello.

Caught him by surprise again. He was so cuuuute! #LandiKoLang

I think he was about to say something, but he just opened his mouth.

“Are you okay?” I asked.

He was still dumbfounded.

“You look like you could use some company.” I said, as I sat down beside him, and then took a sip of my drink.

“I don’t know what to say.” He said.

“Its okay…”

“I mean its been a long time since I’ve talked to anyone, and I would’ve never thought you would look or even talk to me.”

“I’m Rob. What’s your name?”

“Patrick. You can call me Pat. Or Rick. Or whatever”

Then he smiled.

“Okay, Pat. Nice to meet you.”

He let out a sigh.

“You are really talking to me, aren’t you?”

Wow. Hehe, was I that good looking? That cutie couldn’t believe I was talking to him. I was flattered.

It wasn’t the first time I talked to a guy after the breakup. God only knows the shit I have been putting myself through after the breakup. But everytime I was with another guy, Jim was always on my mind. Hindi ko talaga alam kung bakit hindi ko siya maalis sa isip ko. I don’t think about him consciously, but he just enters my mind like he doesn’t want me to forget him. Fuck that bastard.

“Hello, are you there?” Patrick jokingly said waving his right hand infront of my eyes. “You’re so far away..”

“Oops, sorry, I  just remembered something.”

“Do you have to go?”

“Oh, no no, wala basta, mahabang kwento.”

“I have a lot of free time. And I like stories about real people.”

I thought that was very sweet of him.

But I decided not to make kwento about Jim and the breakup, so I just asked him questions about his life.

He said it had been very lonely, and that he had been alone for quite sometime. He also said something about seeing things in black and white, and I didn’t understand what he meant by that, but I couldn’t look away from his big beautiful brown eyes.

He then asked me questions about myself, and tried to answer as honestly as possible, and avoided talking about my, ehem, EX-BOYFRIEND and the breakup and all that craziness.

He asked how the weather was, and I thought it was weird, since he was at the same place I was at, but I didn’t read anything to it and just thought that he was trying to make a joke or something.

While we were busy talking to each other, I kinda noticed how people kept staring at us. I don’t know why, but I just pretended like I didn’t know. We just went on, sharing simple stuff and making lame jokes, I was kinda flirting, and I felt konting kilig.

Jim wasn’t on my mind that time. And it felt great not think of him and how sad I was.

We talked for hours. Oh by the way, we didn’t just stay at that bench. We also walked around The Fort, while talking about artists that both seemed to like. Lykke Li, Caro Emerald, Robyn. He liked K-Pop and I didn’t but I promised to listen to the ones he told me to.

I wanted to ask him what he did for a living, but I didn’t want to seem rude and nosy, so I just asked how he spends his time.

He said he used to be an artist, but that something major happened and that he was lost and still figuring out what to do next.

I thought that was really admirable  of him to admit something personal like that.

He then asked me how I spent my time, and I told him I was a journalist but have been bored with my job and that I was also kind of looking for the next thing to do. At that point, I still haven’t said anything about the breakup and how I have been trying to move on.

We were both lost.

Somehow we found each other.

(to be continued…)

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Chapter One: Rob

5 of Cups.

Emptiness, Disillusionment, Broken Dreams, Old Wounds

The Tarot card was accurate.

I don’t know why I was inside that room with that woman, getting a ‘reading’ of my life through Tarot cards. I was just walking around Galleria when she approached me.

I didn’t believe in things like that… intuition, or horoscopes, or getting life guidance through a bunch of cards. I guess I only said yes because I didnt have anything else to do that day.

When she pulled out that card and said it was my current state, I was impressed.

“Ibig sabihin ng 5 of Cups, you are currently concentrating on the things you don’t have, rather than on the things that you do. One of your deepest held beliefs has been shattered and you are mourning its loss.” she added.

It was accurate.

Kaso naisip ko baka chamba lang yun.

“Next card…”

Queen of Cups.

Fantasy and Creativity. Repressed Emotions. Nervous Breakdown

“Ano naman yan ate?” I asked.

“Eto, it represents who you are.” she said.

“Ano ibig sabihin nyan?” I asked again, trying not to sound cynical or condescending.

“It means you are creative, artistic, and intuitive…”

Taray, dahil ba bakla ako ganun na agad? I should have been offended. Chos long.

She was kinda right.

“…You love deeply, passionately, and optimistically… but you have a little tendency to always put your partner first.”

I just looked at her. Medyo amazed at her communication skills. And also at her next chamba.

“…Sometimes your love for others make you forget your own obligations and commitments.”

She continued flipping cards and told me shit about my life. It was all true. I don’t remember the rest of it, but she kept repeating that I had to move on.

My name is Rob. I live in #85 Shaw Blvd., Mandaluyong City. I am 25 years old, and was recently heartbroken.

The 5 of Cups card was accurate because I lost my faith in life. I was living with my [now ex] boyfriend happily when he told he got a job offer in Austria and left me here.

I was shattered. I felt like I lost a big part of me and would never get it back. I thought he was happy and contented with what we had.

I gave up being with my family for him. My mom was against our relationship when I introduced him to her, and she told me she would rather see me die than see me be a gay man.

I chose him. We lived together for four years. Four beautiful years. But he left for Austria because of a job offer.

Medyo maarte ako pero he was the only one I had. He was my home. He was my life. He was my everything.

Do you now also see why the Queen of Cups card was accurate?

It has been over year, but I’m still not over him.

Before I said goodbye to the woman who read my cards, she hugged me and said that I should move on.

I told her I would, but it would be very hard to do so.

She then gave me a sheet of paper, but requested me to read it at a park.

I was weirded out by the request, but I didnt question her because she was right about everything. So I drove to the nearest park I know, Bonifacio High Street, sat on the grass and read the note.

If I learned anything about partnership (love, business, friendship, creative), it is that both individual that grow together last longer. The thing is, we grow at our own pace and we have no control over that.

Life goes on. Seriously it does

I just planted my face in my hands after I read that and wiped the tears off my eyes.

I let out a big sigh and all of a sudden a Golden Retriever came to me out of nowhere.

I hugged it, and he gave a look to me like he knew I was crying.

The owner came running towards us and smiled when she saw I was playing with her dog.

“Aww, Joooooones!” she said

“You are the sweetest dog in the world!” I said, as I played with his ears and neck.

The girl just smiled, and I looked at her. It was Anne Curtis SHET.

Just kidding, pero kamukha niya.

“Come on Jones we have to go!”

Jones went to her and she placed a leash on his collar.

She smiled at me again and said it was nice meeting me and would’ve stayed and talked but she was in a hurry.

Its okay I said, and watched them run off. I was happy to have met them both, especially Jones.

Dogs have a way of making me feel better all the time.

I was just smiling at what happened when I noticed that a cute guy, sitting somewhere near the fountains, was looking at me.

(To be continued…)

The Breakup Aftermath – Final Chapter

K, this is going to be a long read.

This is the final entry I will have for my (true to life) story, but I have been inspired lately that I wrote a fictional story about a guy trying to move on. It’s titled “Moving On”. LOL No thats too literal, but I think it is a good read and Im excited to share it with you. It won’t be about me trying to move on, but it revolves around that theme and this is the perfect time for me to write it because I can relate to the main character really well.

THE BREAKUP AFTERMATH – FINAL CHAPTER

GRINDR. DATING. FACEBOOK RELATIONSHIP STATUS. BEING A JERK. PARTYING. BOYS. INSTAGRAM VIDEOS. BLOG. BIRTH OF LUCAS KHAN.

That night when after all of that happened (from my previous post) I broke down. I didn’t just cry. I had a breakdown. I lost my faith in life. I suddenly questioned my life and felt that I wasted time spending it with people who would just hurt me.

Again, that was then. That was how I felt then. I’m not saying everybody wanted to hurt me, or betray me, and I am not saying they are evil. But that was how I felt. I felt that they just took me as “the boyfriend of our friend.”

You know what made it even worse? Nobody asked me how I was, even days after. They would reach out to me, yes. NOT ALL, only one or two people lang. They would say “Hey Kristian, tell us when you’re ready na ha.”

I said I wanted to leave our group muna, but I didn’t mean I could do it all by myself. Nobody asked me how I was. Nobody asked me how my heart is. Nobody showed they cared.

Well, maybe because nobody knew what I was going through then, but the thing is, when none of your friends check on you, what does that tell you?

Today, I have no idea what love is, and I have no idea what friendship means.

Here are things I did after the breakup.

GRINDR

Because I was alone, or felt that I was alone (ayan ha, clarify ko lang that that was how I felt at the time – mga echusera kasi kung maka react), I found comfort in Grindr (not Grindr Xtra lol). Am I proud of it? No, not one bit. Medyo nahihiya ako to admit my disgraceful actions, pero sabi ko nga, I want it all out there.

I talked to guys there. I met guys from there. Hindi lahat sex, pero yes I hooked up – not a lot, but I hooked up. It is embarrassing, but I liked how guys wanted me, how guys would make sundo with their cars, or make me hatid to wherever I wanted to go. Or treat me to movies. Or take me out to dinner. I felt validated. If you have been following me on twitter, sometimes ipinagmamayabang ko yun sa twitter. Kung gaano ako kaganda. Kung gaano ako kagwapo lol.

On social media, I made sure I tweeted and instagram-ed all of it because I knew somehow it would reach my ex and I wanted to hurt him. And I wanted to piss “our friends” off. And I wanted to piss everybody off.

DATING

*AJ the DJ*

I met a guy (itago natin sa pangalang AJ) who is a DJ, and we had plans on me getting DJ lessons from him. That excited me because my ex was a DJ, so I thought maybe if I became a DJ he would want me back.(SO SAD noh? Gusto ko saktan yung ex ko, pero gusto ko din magkabalikan kami. Baliwag lang to the nth level)

He was even planning on selling me his DJ Controller at a really cheap price.

I was delusional.

*Sushi-platter Guy*

While I was seeing the DJ, I was also seeing a 22-year old student who was a little geeky and guess what, he reminded me of Paul.

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The way he ate food, the way he played with his iPad, the way he would hug me, the way he would call inday, the way he looked, the way he smiled, it was all Paul. It was like I had a clone version of my ex. I liked him, he liked me, but I still wanted Paul.

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*Daddy Didodu (?)*

I also met a business man, who treated me really well. Sinusundo ako. Hinahatid. And all that, ah basta, I dated a lot.

It came to a point where nandiri na ako sa sarili ko, kasi niloloko ko lang lahat ng mga lalaking yun eh. Ayoko sa kanilang lahat. Everything meant nothing to me.

In a way, dating was my scapegoat. I didn’t want to deal with my sadness, and I lost touch of reality.

FACEBOOK RELATIONSHIP STATUS

I kept stalking my ex through twitter and facebook and instagram and everywhere. I read his tweets and he seemed really happy. He kept going clubbing and talking to “our friends” about the men in Singapore.

(Now I see that maybe he was doing that because I was doing the same thing, posting shit about grindr men. Our actions were magnifying each other’s actions.)

He seemed happy and he seemed okay. He wasn’t talking to me. None of our friends were talking to me either.

I was so mad I made up a lie about being “In a Relationship” on facebook, and I kept tweeting about how happy I was, even though I was just fooling myself. Delusional. BALIWAG LEVELS TALAGA NO??

BEING A JERK

I kept ranting on social media about stupid stuff. And I kept ranting shit towards my ex.

I don’t know… I just couldn’t stand seeing that he was doing well after the break up while I was so miserable.

PARTYING

I partied in drag once at a #GGSS party. One of the “Post-Breakup Craziness” I did.

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BOYS

At the party, I met a group of boys who were really nice to me. I dont know, maybe they saw how sad I was underneath all the makeup and the wig. They said I looked like Miles Hernandez. Basta they were nice to me, and they are really good friends of mine now.

I am even developing a crush on one of them, and I was open about it! Pero tsaka nako mag rerelationship ulit, kapag ready na ako. Have you read my post “Off-Story: Breakup Rant” yet? Kaya ako galit na galit kasi nga, hindi ko pa kaya to be with someone else yet, tapos siya getting over another guy na. I dont know his side of the story, but I think he is a douchebag.

INSTAGRAM VIDEOS

When Instagram made videos available, it made me happy. Siguro iniisip niyo its one of my “Post-Breakup Craziness” shit, but no, its not. When I started making videos kasi, dun ko narealize how sassy and witty I could be. When I’m making my videos, lagi akong tumatawa. I keep watching my videos din after because it makes me laugh and it reminds me of the great time I had making them. Putting on the make up and the wigs. Wala lang. Thats not me being emotional and crazy, my instagram videos are me being myself.

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My instagram videos make me happy. My instagram videos represent the happiness that I want to have in real life.

BLOG

I started this blog to share what happened to me. When I wrote Part I, it was the first time na inaccept ko yung fact na break na talaga kami. It was the first time I faced reality. And honestly, after writing I keep reading my entries until masanay na ako. Until hindi na ako naiiyak. Hanggang sa tanggap ko na ganun yung nangyari. I know I’m weird. I’m really doing this for myself. I’m not doing this para lang maawa yung mga tao sakin. Hindi ko to ginagawa para magalit kayo kay Paul.

May mga taong nagmemessage sakin after reading each post. Minsan empathetic messages, consoling messages, minsan galit, or telling me off.

My ex-boyfriend is a great guy. I would not have fallen in love with him, or would not have loved him (yes, LOVED, past tense) if he wasn’t. I don’t know what happened or why he did what he did, or how he is now (I dont read his tweets, or check his blog anymore, nor follow him on instagram, or tumblr, or path. And we are not facebook friends).

I guess people just grow apart, no matter how much you love each other. Its sad that ganito yung nangyari, but its part of life.

I don’t know why the universe let this happen to me. Or to us. I dont know what I did to deserve such pain.

This is from one of my favorite movies, Must Love Dogs:

“You know, but I think your heart grows back bigger. You know? Once you get the shit beat out of you. And, um, the universe lets your heart expand that way, and I think that’s the function of all this pain and heartache that you go through and you gotta go through that to come out to a better place and that’s how I see it, anyway.”


Right now, I feel better. Its only been less than two months. I dont know what’s in store for me. But I know that its over.

Am I a mess now? No. I WAS.

Am I in a better place? I hope so.

Work has been making me busy, got new projects to work on. On weekends, I spend time with new people, and I will continue meeting people. Right now, my life is really an open book. Its on the internet, goddamit! Its on social media sites. People judge you anyways, so I just show it 100%. Who I am on facebook and twitter and this blog is who I am in person, plus more!

I still miss Paul, sometimes. When I see his name, or when I go to a place where we have memories, or when I just remember him.

But I’m finally, unti-unti, letting go. He’s in the past now.

Do we still talk? Nope. He wants to start over, then let him start over. I am now starting over as well.

Thank you for reading my story.

I wish I had a better way to end The Breakup Series. But thank you for sharing my pain when you got sad or when you cried while reading my entries. Thank you for hating on Paul, when I hated Paul. Thank you for being mad, when I was mad.

Thank you for making me feel that I’m not alone.

Wala, basta, thank you.

Life goes on, Kristian! Life goes on.

Love, Lucas

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The Breakup Aftermath – Part II

It seemed like I was getting through the breakup really well. I convinced myself that I also wanted that breakup, that it was just temporary until he goes home. That we still loved each other. That we remain as friends.

I missed him. Everytime I woke up, I check my phone to see if he left me any messages. Everytime my phone rang, my heart wanted it to be him.

He promised kasi sakin na we would still talk and remain friends. I held on to that.

Ang sinasabi ko lang lagi sa sarili ko “He’s busy.”

Until I asked him. (This is the only screenshot I have of our messages)

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I dont know what was going on with him. I thought maybe hindi nya matanggap na wala na kami, or maybe he missed mo.

Hindi ko kiniconsider na gusto talaga niya akong kalimutan.

I recently just checked his blog to see if there waa anything I could link to why he was pushing me away. I saw this post.

“After the breakup, everything just seemed to fall into place. It has been very hard (still is) but I am going to get over this soon.”

Man, it was barely three weeks! Ganon bako kabigat? Hindi naman niya ako pinapalamon. I dont know what I was keeping him from. I really don’t. I dont know how I was keeping him from whatever it was.

Masyado ba akong negative na tao? What is it with me that kept him from whatever it is he wanted to reach. I have no clue. If you do please let me know because I am still going crazy thinking and thinking and thinking about it all, up to this day.

Some of you may already know, but I used to be a part of a blog group.

I was the so-called Editor. It was a group that Paul and his friends started, which I later joined and became part of their little group. They became my friends na din for the past year, and I spent most of my free time with Paul and his friends.

I didnt have a lot of time to make new friends of my own. Biggest mistake in my life.

When I got back from Singapore I sent them all a message, telling them I needed to take a leave of absence muna from the blog kasi I had a lot on my plate pa.

Their reply to me?

“Kristian, we understand. Thank you for the friendship. I hope this is not a goodbye, just a see you later.”

I broke up with Paul. I didn’t think I was breaking up with our friends.

I never told them how my heart was already in pieces and they crushed it even more. It was so unfair, I thought they were my friends.

I had one more person I thought I could lean on to. Paul and I met her at The Circle Beach Hostel on my birthday just this year.

We became really close instantly and she became part of our little group.

I was really counting on meeting her so I could talk about what I was going through. I knew she would understand bec she just recently had heart broken as well.

We agreed to meet one Wednesday night, and I was looking forward to it. She cancelled on me last minute, when I was about to go to the meeting place. She said she was sorry and rescheduled to meet on Thursday.

I said Okay it was fine, but I really really needed her. Thursday came and she cancelled on me again. I thought she was just really busy, until I saw her check-in on foursquare and tweet.

She was at the place I was supposed to meet her, with guess who! The same people who thanked me for my friendship.

Yun na yung breaking point ko. Thats when all the craziness started and I felt like the universe was really unfair to me.

Dun nako nagwala.

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Gusto ko nang mamatay. It was too much for me. It was just too much.

(To be continued…)

The Breakup Aftermath – Part I

First, I would like to say thank you for reading up to this point. I do not really intend to get a lot of readers, or get a lot of views. I just want to share my story and doing this is really helping me move on.

I also want to say that I do not intend to tarnish the reputation of my ex-boyfriend. This my side of the story – I don’t know his story (and probably never will). I’m sure he had his reasons for everything that happened.

Thank you for the empathy a lot of you have expressed to me privately. Im so sorry you got depressed. I did try to make it a bit lighter by sharing how we met, right? Or did that make it worse? Sorry na!

If I had a happier story, I would have loved to have shared it with you.

When I got home from NAIA, I have to admit, I was numb. It had been a depressing week. The first I did was pig out on Jollibee food.

I had Chicken Joy, Jolly Spaghetti, Jolly Fries, Burger Yum, and Pineapple Juice. I sorta ate my sadness away siguro. Jollibee is my comfort food.

I missed home. I missed Manila. I missed work. I missed the smell of my ratty apartment, and the noise of my old neighbor shouting and cursing at her indays.

[In a rusty, old-womanish, loud voice]: “Tawagin mo na si Jilliana, kakain kamo! Bilisan mo!”

If you follow me on instagram, you would kind of understand that I get my parody video ideas from her.

I was gone for only a week, but it felt like I was gone forever. I wasn’t necessarily happy to be home, but its good to be home.

So I was kinda indifferent. I was tired so I went to sleep. It was already 7AM. I landed Manila around 4AM.

When I woke up at about 2 or 3PM, I saw that he sent me a message on viber.

“Hey are you home safely?” Or something similar. [I have deleted all his messages na kasi ngayon eh].

Normally, I would reply:
“Hey babyyyyy! Sorry late reply, I just woke up. Yes Im home naaa. I miss you! Did you eat yet? Wubb you :3”

But given the change of circumstances, I just replied: “Hey sorry just woke up. Yes back home safely, thank you for asking.”

He then said: “Ok good.”

I still had a straight face on. I dont know why I was so indifferent. I took a bath, I changed my clothes, I brushed my teeth, and left home.

When I got to work that afternoon, I had tons of emails to go through so I did and read each one.

My activities were mundane, and I liked how mindless they required.

My colleague, Miyuki, was the first person to ask me how my trip went. She had always been a good friend of mine, and she was my mentor. She’s a mother of three beautiful kids, and God knows what hell she’s been through too.

“Oh asan ang pasalubong ko!” sabi nya, jokingly.

“Ha? Ahh sorry Miyuks, di ako nakabili!”

“Kamusta siya!” she asked, innocently.

I just looked at her and then she hugged me. I don’t know how I started crying. Basta hagulgol lang ako bigla. I didn’t have anyone to cry to at home. Kaya siguro ako napabigay kasi Miyuki is someone I really lean on.

After crying and making eksena at work for minutes, came the questions. People love drama. Aminin mo, or else you wouldn’t be reading this!

But people also care. I started telling the story, but I wasn’t strong enough to relive the pain. I told everybody that it was a mutual breakup, that it was romantic, that we broke up infront of Petronas Towers, and that we decided to give the relationship a rest muna but we still loved each other and that we were gonna wait until he comes back home.

I tweeted the same thing. Even my letter for him nakalagay dun diba “I’m glad our breakup isn’t one of those where two people loathe each other.”

It was easier that way. Atleast hindi masyadong masakit. Atleast parang may pag-asa pang maging kami ulit. Atleast mahal pa rin niya ako.

Kapag hinarap ko kasi nung time na yun ang katotohanan na gusto niya akong alisin sa buhay niya, baka wala kang nababasa ngayon.

(To be continued…)

The Goodbye

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11:45 PM, April 28 ’13.

“Final boarding call for Flight TR2728 to Manila..”

23C – another aisle seat at the back. Again, I didnt choose that seat, it was chosen for me like the seat I was given at the flight from Manila to Singapore.
I guess the universe kinda knew that that’s what I wanted so it was given to me.

I hope the universe also knew that I didn’t want to breakup with Paul. And maybe it would’ve been given to me too.

But I don’t know. There were so many things that happened the entire week – things I never expected to happen in real life.. Things you only see in movies.. things you get to read in books.

It’s like it was all meant to happen.

I re-read my post before this entry and I cried a little bit.

“We talked for about a month, just enjoying or convos and just some kilig-kilg moments, pero honestly I wasn’t pursuing him. Gusto ko siya, and I’ve wanted to ask him out on a date for quite some time, pero I don’t.

Why not? Since I follow him on tumblr, and he posts personal stuff on there, I knew that after he graduates, he would be continuing his education and moving out to Singapore.

He’s Fil-Chi, so he comes from a well-off family. He’s studying Multi-Media Arts in DLSU-CSB Taft and graduating na siya this year.

I’ve never really thought of him as a boyfriend, kasi sayang lang kung aalis din siya eh, diba?”

I had that apprehension about having a relationship with Paul, and it was because of Singapore. I didnt want to take a risk.

But I fell in love.

I fell in love hard.

And I loved him with all my heart.

Then two years later, there I was – flying back to Manila from Singapore, carrying the pain of what I wanted to avoid in the beginning.

The cabin crew at that flight home was the same crew at the flight going abroad, with the exception of one cute guy who I could tell was new.

It was 1 AM, and the flight is more than 3 hours. I downloaded Rupauls episodes to keep me company at that lonely flight. There was a girl seated near the window, but she was asleep the entire time.

After watching all the fierce queens, I closed my eyes and I tried to sleep. Still had an hour left before landing in Manila.

I tried not to think about Paul. Pero diko siya maalis sa isip ko.

He didnt take me to the airport. But he did accompany me at the train station. I didnt want him to take me to the airport, and ayaw din nya akong ihatid kasi gabi na daw at baka masarhan siya ng MRT.

We didnt hug each other goodbye. Tapos nagmamadali pa syang umalis.

“I love you, Paul!” I said.

“I love you too” he mouthed, as he went down the escalator.

Thats how we said goodbye to each other.

I didnt get a hug from that idiot. A hug is just a hug, but a hug kasi shows that you really care about the person, especially if its a goodbye.

The guy I met at the sauna waited for me and gave me a kiss before he left.

The guy that I was with for two years, the guy I made all the effort to go to, the guy that I was ready to give everything, the guy I continued to love and forgive despite how cold and painful he treated me while I was there, mouthed “I love you too” while going down the escalator.

Its not a big deal. Maybe thats just how he is. But I really did deserve better.


While I was at the plane home, missing him, still trying to accept that it was over, he wrote me a letter on his blog, which I read a few days after.

If you see this, then this just means that we have already parted. I know this was hard for us, but I believe this is for the best. We may have ended this great thing we had, but it will for sure be in our hearts. We may have argued, fought, even to the point of breaking. But we survived. For almost two years we had so much lovely memories together. They were the best memories I had, honestly. I learned how to live, love and enjoy my life. But today, this all ends. When you fly back, we will part ways. We will separate. But we will never be alone.

Now I know how it feels to be heartbroken… I have underestimated it. I thought it was just a pathetic way to deal with sadness. I eat my words now. You changed me. You changed my outlook about living and loving. You opened my eyes to a lot of things and I am deeply grateful for that.

It is going to be very hard, honestly. Right now I am having breakdowns where I would just randomly cry. I am sorry when I was unfair to you, when I didn’t want to fulfil your last wish. I am scared that I might not forget, that I might not be able to move on. That I might be lonely and alone. But I know we will get through this. We are stronger as we think we are.

Now that our time has finally come to an end, I would like to thank you for being my love. You gave me so much when I was empty. You were there when I was alone. You guided me when I was lost. You were everything when I was nothing. You were you, and you made me happy. But now, it’s just going to be me now. I know it’s gonna be hard. Life is unfair. Things come, things go. But right now I am just cherishing of our happy moments together. Moving on will be very hard, but I have to try.

You are my first love, and forever will be the one. There’s no other you that compares.

And I obviously had a letter for him too.

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Heyou.

I just want to say thank you. Thank you because I know you spent half of your life building a wall to protect yourself from getting hurt, and you took the wall down and you let me in.

People say you are always happy, and have no worries in life because thats what you show the world. Thank you because you let me see the real you. Thank you because you showed me your emotions, and your vulnerability. Thank you because you let me take care of that little boy who was bullied in grade school.

Thank you because you let me love you completely.

Thank you for needing me. Its nice to feel needed, and important, and useful. You made me feel all of that.

Thank you for the beautiful memories we created together, and the ones that you created for me. Thank you for the hugs, the kisses, the patience, the effort, the time, and the sacrifices you made to keep us together and to make me happy.

Thank you for laughing at my jokes, even though you think they are lame. Thank you for listening to me when I rant about life. Thank you for pushing me to become better, and I have become better. I wouldn’t be the man that I am today if it weren’t for you.

We may not be together anymore, but I just want you to know, from the bottom of my heart, that I am always here for you. I’m glad that our breakup isn’t like one of those where two people loathe each other.

I love you, and nothing is ever gonna change that.

You are the love of my life.

I am always on your side, and even though I am not going to hold my life back and wait for you, I am always ready to drop everything and risk all of it, if ever you need me to.

Thank you so much for everything.

But most of all, thank you… for loving me.

The Last Three Days – (Part V)

I have to admit, the kiss felt good.

I felt alive.

I felt validated.

The kiss made me feel like things were going to be okay.

He then wrapped his arms around me, and then I cried. Who would’ve thought I would be crying in the arms of a naked man in a jacuzzi at a gay sauna. It was like a scene from an upcoming Coco Martin film.

After a few minutes, he took me to one of the dark rooms, and there we had sex.

[Cue music]

“Cause when I’m with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you
What you would do if
You were the one
Who was spending the night
Oh I wish that I
Was looking into your eyes”

Paul was on my mind the whole time. Katy Perry describes the experience so well with her lyrics.

It felt like I was cheating. It felt like I was betraying my soon-to-be ex-boyfriend.

“I was disgusted with myself.”

After the thing, he didn’t leave right away. We cuddled and continued to talk about random things. He was genuinely interested and sincere, and I was comfortable talking to him.

We talked for, I dont know, maybe an hour. It would’ve gone on longer if he only didn’t have to go. And I said I had to go too.

He went out first and took a shower, and I asked to stay behind.

When he closed the door, I laid down for a few minutes contemplating on whether I should be guilty about what happened or not.

I was confused. I didn’t think it was going to be that complicated. Or maybe it was just me being such a drama queen and an overthinker.

I then went out and grabbed a cigarette from my locker and stayed at the smoking area where a bunch of older men were playing Mahjong.

I was amused at the scene there. I didnt understand what they were all saying, and I didn’t know how the game is played. But they all seemed to enjoy it.

After smoking, I went back to the locker area and there I saw Malik, waiting for me.

“I’m leaving.” He said.

I didn’t know what to say.

We looked at each other for a few seconds.

I wanted to ask for his email or his facebook or maybe twitter (if he had one), but I couldn’t. It didn’t seem right to do so.

“It was nice to meet you.”

And he kissed me goodbye.

“Bye.”

I stood there, as I tried to take everything in.

Back at the hostel, I just watched another movie by myself at the lounge. I was able to sleep at around 4AM.

I woke up the next day and the first thing that came to my mind was…

“This is the last day.”

(to be continued…)

Off-Story: Breakup Rant

Okay, this post is a little off the story but I want to share something that has been making me angry these past few days.

My ex-boyfriend just posted on his blog that he got his karma.

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Here’s the link:

http://paulsherwinang.com/blog/2013/06/22/every-chance/

Apparently, he has been seeing this Singaporean guy; but the guy, I think, is in a relationship so they can’t be together. He was vague with the details, maybe he was ashamed.

Paul cried over him and felt betrayed after thinking they had something special.

How do I feel about it?

Okay, let me BREAK IT DOWN.

1. After the breakup, I admit I’ve gone out on a few dates, I’ve been talking to guys, and I’ve hooked up once (or twice) – and thats normal.

Dating after a breakup is one thing, but actually trying to be with someone, and having feelings for them? It’s only been one month, and we were together for two years. TWO FUCKING YEARS.

I DONT KNOW, MAYBE ITS THE HAZE.

2. I thought that he broke up with me because he didn’t want to feel guilty about slutting around with all the men in Singapore.

I get it, long distance relationship = lots of temptations.

I accepted that and I didnt judge him. And you know why? Because he told me that he still loved me and that I will forever be the one.

LOAD OF CRAP.

3. Here are my theories:

a. He has been dating that guy while we were still “together” – And that explains why he was excited to go back from Malaysia to Singapore as a single guy, and why he decided to break up with me in the first place.

ASSHOLE.

b. He got over me really fast, found someone more worthy (impossible, but whatever), and tried to love again.

That was really fast for him to get over me.

DOUCHEBAG.

c. He felt guilty about what he did, so he got himself into a situation where he knew he was gonna end up being heartbroken, blogged about it, and think that it will absolve him of the shit he did.

NO, BITCH, YOU CAN’T CREATE YOUR OWN KARMA.

d. He’s insecure. When we broke up, no one validated him anymore, and he needed someone to do that.

POOR GUY. BUT HE BROKE UP WITH ME, SO YEAH.

There thats the end of my rant. Im not hurt, and I wont cry about it (Excuse me, sa ganda kong to girl please).

Let the record show that this rant is the end of it, I’m over it, point blank case closed yes gawd halleeloo.

The Last Three Days (Part III)

The ticket to Johor Bahru from Kuala Lumpur costs MYR35.00, which is equivalent to php500.

It wasnt wise to waste php500 and buy another ticket. I was heartbroken, but I’m not stupid. So I decided to get on the bus.

I survived being pushed away for days.

I got through two nights of sleeping on the same bed with the guy who broke my heart.

What was another four hours.

When we arrived at Johor Bahru, it was raining, and it made the commute a little stressful.

From there, it was one more bus ride to Singapore.

The getting off and the getting on the bus to pass through the Malaysian and Singaporean immigrations annoyed me. I just wanted to get it over with and be away from Paul.

After the bus ride, MRT naman ang next.

“OMG yes finally I can go to the hostel, get a comfy bed and rest.”

Then it hit me. Akala ko yun na yun, hindi pa pala.

Before our trip kasi, I left some of my things at Paul’s place so I could travel lighter.

Soooo, I had to get off at Outram Park with him to get my stuff. ARGHHH

Iritable na talaga ako.

I was tired, I hated him, and I was hungry.

“Paul, I’m hungry. Can we eat?”

“Where do you want to eat?”

“Dun na sa may malapit sa inyo. Im so tireddddd.”

We got off at Outram Park and walked to his building. When we got to his place, he went inside to drop his things off and to bring me mine.

Yes, he went in and he had me waiting outside the door. Didnt offer me to come in and sit or rest for a bit or whatever.

Why didnt I JUST go in? HE CLOSED THE FUCKING DOOR ON ME. WOW diba. JUST WOW.

I didnt say anything. “Two more days.” I kept repeating to myself. “Two days more.”

When he got out, we went to the food place and ordered Chinese food. He chatted about the differences between Singaporean, Malaysian, Thai, and Indian food. And how spicy they all were. And how he liked spicy food. And how Pinoy-food-spicy is nothing compared to those and blah blah fucking blah.

I just ate my anger away and pretended I was interested in what he was saying. Its the same thing he talks about. Singapore is like this, this Indian word is this, and blah blah fucking blah.

After eating, I was so tired I couldn’t do anymore walking, so I told him I would just ride a cab to Arab St.

When I got in the cab, I saw him waving goodbye to me but I didn’t look at him.

I didn’t wave back.

I was so exhausted when I got to the hostel. I looked at my watch and it was 5PM. The 16-bed dorm room I checked-in to was empty. There were luggages all around, but everybody was out.

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I placed my bags inside my locker, went to my bed, covered myself with the comforter, and hugged my pillow tight.

Then I burst into tears.

(To be continued…)

The Last Three Days (Part II)

The kiss made me happy. But I didn’t show him genuine emotions. I just smiled at him and said “Of course, ikaw pa.”

I wanted to hug him so bad. I wanted more of that kiss. I missed his lips. I missed his warmth. I missed his love.

Gusto ko syang yakapin ng mahigpit at sabihin sa kanyang mahal na mahal ko siya. Gusto kong magmakaawa. Gusto kong tanungin kung anong dapat kong gawin para hindi na kami maghiwalay.

But I stopped myself. I was already in so much pain, I couldn’t take any more of it. I knew nothing good was going to come out if I begged him not to break up with me.

That night, before we went to sleep, he played Candy Crush on his iPad while I played Injustice on my phone. My Catwoman already ran out of energy, so I stopped playing.

I placed my phone at the bedside table, and then I looked at him.

He was so cute playing and thinking hard about how to get to the next level.

I found myself watching him and thinking “Why do I still love this bastard despite everything he put me through?”

I guess you can never really tell your heart what to do.

I closed my eyes. I was so tired I just wanted to sleep. But I couldn’t. Then I thought, maybe we can make love one last time.

So I asked him.

“Breakup sex?” he said.

“Yeah why not?”

Then he thought about it for a while.

“Sige na, its our last night together.”

“Ayoko.” Sabi nya. Then he started to tear up. “I can’t, Kristian. I’m afraid of what might happen if we do it one last time. I’m afraid I won’t be able to get over you.”

“Can we atleast make out?”

And we did. But it was pointless – making out with a stranger.

Saturday – April 27, 2013

We woke up early and headed to the big-ass bus station of Kuala Lumpur, Terminal Bersepadu Selatan.

The cabbie that we got was an old Chinese man, who knew that we were Filipino because he was familiar with our language. During the ride, he shared funny anecdotes about his experiences in Manila when he was younger. He said he was a big fan of OPM, and showed us his collection of Freddie Aguilar, VST & Co., and Apo Hiking Society.

I was so amused at the fact that I met a chinese cab driver in Malaysia who listens to OPM.

He then placed his Apo CD in the car player and the first track that played was “Panalangin”.

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It was a sunny Saturday, and the traffic was light. The love of my life was there, and I was singing along with the music.

It seemed like a perfect romantic moment. I wanted to hold and kiss his hand.

Two more days. Two days more.

At the bus station, we had breakfast. And I was surprised we were talking.

I guess because the thing that has been on his mind is already out there. He was finally getting rid of me. He was now off the hook.

He seemed okay with everything.

Remember when I told you that I know when he is excited or not? He looked damn too excited to go back to Singapore.

Ano bang meron sa Singapore at itong gagong to eh masaya.

The bus we got was leaving at 11:45 am. I looked at the time. 11:30.

I didn’t want to leave Malaysia – no, that wasn’t it – I didn’t want to be in Singapore. I hated Singapore. I hated everything about it. I could imagine him and his Singaporean lover.

I had to get out of that bus so I could think straight. I needed an excuse.

“Ang sakit ng tyan ko.” sabi ko sa kanya.

“Aalis na yung bus, uy.”

“CR lang muna ako saglit. Ang sakit talaga ng tyan ko eh”

I stood up and took my bag.

“Iwan mo na yung bag mo!”

Diko sya pinansin.

I got off the bus. I went to the restroom. I looked at myself in the mirror and thought about not getting on that bus with him. I wanted to just get another ticket and ride a different bus to Johor Bahru. Maybe it’ll lessen the pain of going back.

I went back outside. 11:45.

The driver was looking at me and signalled that the bus was about to leave.

I wanted to get on the bus. But I also didn’t want to get on the bus.

I had to decide. I had to decide FAST.

(to be continued…)