The Breakup – Part IV

On the fourth day of my week-long stay, we travelled to Malaysia. Paul had a friend there who was staying at her Tita’s place in Kuala Lumpur, so free accomodation! We rode the train to Kranji, and then a bus to Johor Bahru. It was an amazing experience getting off the bus to exit Singapore Immigration, and then back on the bus, and then we got off again to enter Malaysian Immigration, and then back on the bus to Johor Bahru.

From Johor Bahru, it was a five hour bus ride to Kuala Lumpur. We left around 2 pm, and arrived around 7 pm. It was raining. The bus ride was quiet. Again we didnt talk. Normally I would be madaldal, but I dont know why I didn’t initiate any conversation. I guess I was scared to say something to upset him, esp since the ground I was standing on is already fragile. One wrong step and I could die [of heartbreak].

When we got to his friend’s house, we mingled a little bit with the family who welcomed us and had dinner. The trip was tiring so we asked to turn in early.

We had the whole guest room to ourselves. There was a queen-size bed. It was comfortable. Me on the left side, he on the other.

Parang may pader sa gitna namin.

Yes, I was crying, while he slept soundly. How could he sleep in such a lonely night? I was in another foreign country, staying at a house of a family I did not know. I only took comfort in the fact that the home I used to know was on the other side of that soft bed.

Did I mention it was raining? It really felt like I was in a sad movie of some sort.

I couldn’t sleep. And I couldn’t cry all night either. So I got up and borrowed his iPad from his bag. I played games for a good 30 minutes, when I got bored and the devil told me to open the facebook app.

I read his messages again. There’s this guy, who he talks to everyday. Itago natin sya sa pangalang Nigel. I knew that they’re just talking and there was nothing to it because this guy is in a relationship with someone else.

[This is not how it went exactly, but this is how I remember it. I was nauseated and my head was hurting while reading the conversation, please understand]

April 3, 2013
“hey you there?”
“hey yes whats up?”
“I think Im gonna give up and break up with him lol”
“Well, ikaw if you’re really no longer into him then do so.”
“I think nakakaramdam na siya, kasi I haven’t been talking to him. I always tell him I’m busy lol”
“Ohh”
“Pupunta nga siya dito next week.”
“Wow”
“I dont know if I should break up with him now or when he gets here. Im just so tired of him, of everything.”

I thought I was gonna die. I placed the iPad back to his bag and went under the sheets. I could not breathe. There were so many things going through my head, and I saw my world falling apart. I was floating endlessly and I could not feel anything. The next thing I knew, he was waking me up and telling me to get ready for the day.

I got up and went to the bathroom. I turned the shower on, with his stupid lying face on my mind, and the water running down my face.

–

After the shower, I brushed my teeth and looked at what a mess I was. I lost weight, my eyes were red and tired. I looked so ugly and I couldn’t stand up straight.

I got out, got dressed, and met everyone at the table and had breakfast. I ate a little bit. Didn’t have any appetite at all.

We went to Batu Caves to see the temple and the monkeys.

After that we went to Petronas Towers and had lunch there. I got hungry so I ordered a lot of food from McDonalds. [The Horlicks crunch was divine, by the way. One of the few things that made me happy at that trip].

After lunch, we roamed around the mall and got in one of the Architecture Galleries. Looked around for a bit, and learned about the amazing buildings around the world.

Then, we went outside, and walked around the park infront of the towers (near the fountains).

We sat down and I admired the beauty of Kuala Lumpur. It was just like Manila, only… cleaner. It was a sunny and quiet afternoon.

There were squirrels running around, and a few people reading books. There was a group on one side shooting a video. Everbody else was just chitchatting, enjoying the afternoon breeze.

Kami? Nakaupo lang.

I couldn’t take it anymore. I had enough. I couldn’t wait for him to man up and initiate “the talk”. SO PATHETIC IF YOU ASK ME. If you plan on breaking up with someone, atleast be man enough to own up to it. Naghihintay ba siya ng milagro?

“Paul..” I said.
Then he looked at me.
“I think.. Uhm, I think we need to talk.”
“About what?”

Gusto ko na siyang suntukin. AS IN. Tanginang yun. About what ka pa dyan alam mo naman what its about asjdfhkjashdkf.

“About.. Us..”

I swear I am not kidding when I tell you that it suddenly started to rain when I said those words. Nakakaloka, sunny lang tapos biglang bubuhos ang ulan. SO CINEMATIC.

We ran under the rain and went to the nearest gazebo in the park.

There we continued “The Talk”.

(to be continued…)

The Breakup – Part III

My week-long stay in Singapore, the second time I visited Paul, was the most awkward, most emotional draining vacation I’ve ever had. He was so weird the entire trip, we barely talked and I could sense his energy just pushing me away telling me that I should have not gone there because it was just a waste of time.

I stayed at Shophouse The Social Hostel in Bugis, around the Kampong Glam area. I chose this hostel specifically for their roofdeck, and unlimited all-day breakfast.

I was so excited the first day because I imagined how great my stay was gonna be, and how much better it was [in my head] from the last time I was there. I made a few acquaintances, and I got to watch numerous movies from the hostel’s vast collection of films.

To be honest with you, I was just happy to see Paul again. And I was proud of myself because kaya ko palang makapunta ng Singapore kapag ginusto ko. Nagagawan talaga ng paraan. I am not rich and I do not have family money. I just have a job that helps me pay the bills, put food on the table, and buy me shoes and clothes and My Shirota when I go party at Today X Future.

I do not own a credit card, and the money I used to book my flights, my hostel, and my pocket money during that trip was solely from my Savings account.

I am sharing that to you because I want you to know that I was ready to give up and make a lot of sacrifices just so I could see and spend time with the love of my life. Maybe that’s one of the reasons he also considered kasi ayaw niyang maghirap ako para lang magkasama kami.

Wala lang naman yun sakin.

To me, all the money in the world is nothing compared to one day with him. I don’t know why I so stupidly loved him.

–

My happiness to see and spend time with him have gotten less and less as the days went by. It became more awkward. We never kissed. We never held hands. We never hugged.

It was the most painful thing, and I’ve never felt more alone in my life. Add the fact that I was in a foreign country where I did not know anyone. Can you imagine being in a relationship with someone who already was trying to forget you, while you’re still together.

Nung tinuli ako, wala akong naramdaman, tawa pa ako ng tawa. Eto, halos mamatay nako sa sakit.

Never kaming nag-away this time. No arguments whatsoever. I was so afraid to say anything because remember, sabi nya, minsan na nga lang daw kami magkita, mag-aaway pa kami? SO, quiet lang ako. Hinayaan ko lang siya, kahit ramdam kong unti unti na nyang nilalayo yung sarili nya.

“Huy, nandito ako ngayon. Wala ako sa Pilipinas. Hindi ako lumipad ng xxxxx miles para lang lumayo ka sakin ng ganyan. Na miss kita, payakap naman. Pahingi naman ng halik. Pahingi ng konting lambing. Pahingi ng konting sandali.” sabi ng puso ko.

ANG DRAMAAAAA, pero totoo.

(to be continued…)

The Breakup – Part II

When Paul left for Singapore in February, I got sent to Cebu to work for two weeks at our site there. It was so timely because I needed to be away from everybody in order for me to not to feel sad and think that I will not see him for a long time. It made the separation a little lighter.

Okay naman kami. We talked when we got the chance. We updated each other about our trips; thank god for technology to help long distance relationships.

I planned on visiting him the week after I got back to Manila. The flights were already booked and the accomodations were already confirmed. When I went there, the hostel was bad. It smelled funny and the people there were a little shady (I got a little feeling that the [hot] swedish guy sleeping on the bed beside mine was eyeing me. Oh and he slept in the nude. CAN YOU IMAGINE THE TEMPTATION?)

It was so great seeing Paul so happy and on his way to achieving his dreams.

He was so happy going to school in Singapore and he has always wanted to do that. Its a little concerning lang that he’s already 24 and he’s still living off of his parents to study a diploma course in Interactive Design, in one of the most expensive countries in the world. I would understand why my parents would pressure me to find a job there because it is fucking expensive when they already paid for my college for more than four years, and here I am asking for more.

But again, who was I to stop him from achieving his dreams?

This is the diary entry I made on that day: http://flava.in/NgMU

That night, before I went to sleep, I opened the Safari browser of my phone to google a map of the MRT stations in SG. Normally I would use the Dolphin Browser or Google Chrome because I find them easier to navigate, but they kept crashing. The first page that loaded was facebook, and I though it was mine so I checked the notifications but it turned it was Paul’s. He used the iPhone when his S3 was broken so Im guessing he forgot to log out when he gave it to me.

Realizing this opportunity of access that I have gave me the idea to sneak a little bit and check who he has been talking to on facebook (Its wrong I know, dont judge me!). Message from friends, friends, friends, friends, then BOOM.

There it was.

There was this Singaporean guy that he gave his Whatsapp number to which made me think of so many negative things that consumed me in my sleep, or the lack thereof. I was so cranky the next morning and I had so many questions to Paul.

We went to Universal Studios that day and we had an argument, which to me was really nothing, but to him was such a big deal – and I haven’t even asked him who that guy was. Yet. I was a little cranky din kasi that day because that facebook message really got to me, and I couldnt get it out of my head.

After Universal Studios, we stayed at Vivo City and that’s where I asked him who his newfound friends in Singapore are and who he has been meeting. I immediately sensed that he was hiding something from me. So I pushed and pushed until his big lying bottom cracked open.

It was a guy that was talking to him who used to go to Benilde din. They met for dinner once. Now if it was just a friendly dinner, why would you hide that from your boyfriend? If you are not trying to hide anything, why lie?

The guy apparently was courting him and he went out with him. Sabi daw nung guy sa kanya “You’re single in Singapore.” He said no daw, friendship lang daw talaga ang maiooffer niya kasi he’s in a committed relationship, and that made me happy. Like “AWWW I love you” happy.

Then I asked him what did the guy look like and he said sobrang payat daw. I asked him “Well what if it was a hot guy who you went out with, would you have said yes to him?” He said “I don’t know.”

That made me sad. FUCKING SAD.

But you know what I thought after? I was in a long distance relationship with the love of my life and I really wanted him to live his life in Singapore and make the most of it. I was ready for the worst.
I loved him. Nobody’s perfect.

This is the diary entry I made on that day: http://flava.in/ftzA

Anyways, like any normal relationship, arguments are bound to happen, especially the longer you are together. We had arguments here and there, which to me is nothing because I get into arguments with everybody. Doesn’t mean I hate everybody, I just disagree with people and I find it healthy to voice out what my opinion is. Apparently, Paul was very upset with our arguments. In his mind, he was tired with all of it. Minsan na nga lang daw kami magkita, mag-aaway pa kami.

Tama naman siya, pero sakin kasi, hindi away yun. Ang away eh yung nagmumurahan kayo at nagkakasakitan na. I would never hurt Paul. Ever. I’d rather hurt myself.

Im sharing this because this is one of the reasons he brought up when we broke up. “Minsan na nga lang tayo magkita, nag-aaway pa tayo”

(to be continued…)

The Breakup – Part I

4:40 AM, April 21 ’13.

“Final boarding call for Flight TR2728 to Singapore..”

First time ko lumipad with Tigerairways. I’ve heard a lot of negative feedback from people about this airline, but their flights are really cheap so what can I expect?

I was at an aisle seat. Medyo dulo ng plane. I didn’t choose that seat, but it’s what I wanted. I wanted an Aisle seat para wala akong maistorbo if I have to go the toilet. (I find it awkward to wake someone up, and I’d rather be the one being woken up para sila yung mahiya.)

I also like being seated at the back of the plane, para mauunang mag-board, and I’d also be one of the last ones to get off.

The flight attendants were not the typical ones you see on International Flights. I dont have anything against chubby women, it’s just not something normally seen for a flight attendant.

Then they started speaking english.

Singaporeans pa-lahh. Dun ko lang din napansin na lahat sila singkit at medyo kakaiba.

I felt that it was genuinely an International flight though. I had a hard time understanding what they were all saying, including the pilot (who was an Indian woman). If it was my first time to fly, mukha siguro akong tanga.

The take off was smooth and the flight wasn’t bad. The flight from Manila to Singapore takes about three hours so I brought a book with me; however, I did not get a lot of sleep the previous night kasi I was afraid I’d miss my flight and I could not have that again.

Nakatulog ako.

I dont know if I was really excited to see Paul, or maybe I had a premonition of some sort, but I dreamt about my boyfriend. I can’t remember what the dream was, but I am certain it was about him.

–

I landed Singapore around 8am and was greeted by my boyfriend at the arrival area near the MRT Station. We were together for two years, so I kinda know when he is excited or not. When he saw me, he was smiling. But I knew he wasn’t excited.

I didn’t entertain that thought though. Iniisip ko baka nag-iinarte ako. We said hello to each other and I found myself hoping for the same Paul that I saw the last time I was at Changi International Airport.

–

Paul moved to Singapore in February. Valentines to be exact, so we had to celebrate it on the 12th. I had ambitious plans for us that day, but I am really bad at planning. I guess thats one of the things that makes me a bad boyfriend.

I make plans but things never go as I hoped they would.

He moved to SG to continue studying. Matagal na nyang plano yun even before we met, and it was a huge factor I was considering when we were still dating.

On October 2012, after our second anniversary, he told me he has finally decided to go to Singapore with his friend Jeff. I had no choice but to accept.

Pag mahal mo kasi ang isang tao, hindi ka dapat maging hadlang sa mga pangarap niya.

Tinanggap ko yun kahit alam kong masasaktan ako, mahihirapan ako, at kailangan kong magbigay ng mas maraming effort for the relationship to work. Natakot din ako of course, kasi baka may makilala siyang iba, or baka mapagod siya. Mahirap ang long distance oi, kaya dapat talaga pinagiisipang mabuti yan gamit ang utak.

–

On the last night that we were together in Manila, we had a great date. Hangout, dinner, and amazing sex.

I was so positive that we were gonna make it through the distance and our love for each other was strong enough for it to work. Little did I know he wanted to breakup up din pala before he even left. I say this because when we did breakup, he kept saying “We should’ve done this bago pako umalis noh?”

Ang sakit. Gago ka. Kung di lang kita mahal, may black eye ka na.

(To be continued)