Love, Cosmic Panda

Story Archive

The Breakup (Real life story) – https://cosmicpandaa.wordpress.com/2013/07/11/the-breakup-series/

Untitled (Fictional) – https://cosmicpandaa.wordpress.com/2013/07/12/chapter-one-rob/

Cosmic Panda 2013

I have decided to drop the pseudo-name Lucas Khan, and just stick with my DJ name, Cosmic Panda, for consistency.

This is a post to share my part of the year 2013.

Cosmic Panda, 2013

Cosmic Panda, 2013

I initially created this blog as an outlet when my first boyfriend and I broke up. I wrote about my side of the story, how I saw the breakup, and basically ruined my ex-boyfriend’s reputation to everybody whoever read my posts. I have since then realized that this wasn’t the best way to handle a breakup and emotions, and that it’s too late to delete the blog. Even if I delete the blog, I can no longer take back the damage that I have created.

My ex-boyfriend and I haven’t talked since June 1, 2013. Not a phone call, not a text message, not a tweet – whatever form of communication – gone. I also did the crazy thing of burning bridges with his friends and writing about them too.

What a dick I have been, right?

The last 7 months of 2013 have given me a lot of perspective about the breakup, about how I handled the breakup, about the relationship, and basically about my entire life. This is going to be a long post so grab some wine, play good music, and here we go.

The Relationship

I have already written about how my ex and I met here. This time, let me share about the relationship, or atleast how I saw it.

We loved each other. We never had any issues of cheating, of being taken for granted, etc. When I think about it, I realize how petty all our arguments actually were. I guess it could be attributed to both of us being new to the relationship thing. He was my first boyfriend, and I was his. We were both new to the thing and we really didn’t know how to handle everything. Also I think we were both really not ready to enter that relationship, but we got excited after a month of dating, and just the idea that you finally have someone you love who loves you back the same way… someone you care about that cares about you the same way.

We had a lot of fights. He is an Aries, a fire sign, and I am an Aquarius, an air sign. Air and Fire. Air makes Fire bigger and Fire can’t really touch Air.

On good days we were both very passionate about each other, and on bad days, it was very exhausting.

We loved each other very much. That I can assure you. We were just not mentally and emotionally ready to hold on longer. But two years for a gay relationship is not common, and for a first relationship, I think its an achievement that we can be proud of.

What really hurt the most when the relationship ended, and why I hate him so much, is HOW it ended. The fact is RELATIONSHIPS DO END. RELATIONSHIPS FAIL. There is no one to blame, it’s just a part of life.

What really made me so angry and emotional was the fact that he didn’t respect me enough to tell me his dying feelings for me… for us. And now I think he’ s really mad at me because of how I didn’t respect him enough to write shit and share it on the internet.

And also I think we did a lot of crazy things just to get back at each other indirectly. We magnified the issues each time we both did something stupid, especially me, being an overly-dramatic bitch and all.

We could have handled things differently. But maybe this no-talking-with-your-ex thing is for the best. DEFINITELY NOT EASIER, but for the best.

The Bad Things of 2013

After the breakup, I was alone. I had no friends. The only friends I had known for the past two years were my ex’s friends and as I mentioned earlier, I stopped hanging out with them. I couldn’t see them because if I did, it would have only reminded me of the old times and I couldn’t. I just couldn’t.

I was at my lowest. I was at my worst. I was so thin, Kate Moss would have been jealous. I was drunk on weekends all the time, and I just lost it.

I took out my emotions on other people. well they deserved it, but I wouldn’t have done shit if I wasn’t dead inside.

Also, I tried and tried and tried and tried to convince myself everyday that I was over him, instead of really getting over him. So I never really got over him.

The Good Things of 2013

While I was getting drunk on weekends, I met a lot of amazing people. I made new friends, and honestly, they are the best people in the world, and I couldn’t ask for anything more.

Calatagan Beach, Dec 2013

Calatagan Beach, Dec 2013

Pahmin Festival after Hunger Games, November 2013

Pahmin Festival after Hunger Games, November 2013

September 2013, one of the many Saturday nights spent at Today X Future

September 2013, one of the many Saturday nights spent at Today X Future

With my co-Singapore Hater, Today X Future

With my co-Singapore Hater at Today X Future

I lost people in my life, burned bridges, and found new ones who filled my year with happiness and memories and they proved love doesn’t always come from relationships.

Also, when you’ve been down for so long and you’re at your lowest, you get to a certain point where you know that enough is enough and you HAVE to bring yourself back up. I sucked up all my negativity (which was one of the main reasons that caused my relationship to fail) and turned them into positive things. Atleast I hope that’s what I did.

I decided to finally start doing something with my life. and pursued a DJ career. To be honest with you, I did this because my ex is also a DJ and he is very passionate about music and I thought maybe if I did it I would still be connected to him through the music that he loves.

And then I got lucky enough to be a guest DJ at one of the newest gay clubs in Hongkong. I thought I was opening for their resident DJ, but the club owner told me that I will be playing the entire night because he loved my demos.

Volume BEAT's Official Christmas Party

Volume BEAT’s Official Christmas Party

Me on the decks at Volume BEAT

Me on the decks at Volume BEAT

View from the DJ Booth

View from the DJ Booth

I also made new friends there who loved the music that I played.

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Partied till sunrise with these cuties, Hongkong December 2013

I’ve had so many blessings these past few months, and I guess it’s true what they say: there is life after a heartbreak. Haha

With all honesty in my heart though, the best part of 2013 for me was losing the relationship and my ex-boyf, because if I hadn’t, I wouldn’t have found myself. We may no longer be together, but my love for my ex would never go away. As much as I would love to forget him, he will always be a big part of who I am now.

I have no idea what’s in store for me, well nobody has any idea what’s in store for anybody. It’s scary to know that bad things could happen again, or that I may not handle things maturely again this 2014, but cheers to 2013! The worst and the best year of my life, so far.

Chapter Two: Patrick

i first saw rob getting off a car at a parking lot near high street. he was carrying a piece of paper and  seemed like he was in a hurry to read it. maybe it was important, or maybe it was special. maybe it was both, i have no idea.

he was wearing a shirt and shorts, and had a small tote bag hanging on his left shoulder.

i would tell you what color his shirt was, or the tote bag, or his car, but i can only see things in black and white.

not literally black and white, but more of a grayscale. like how dogs see things. dogs are color blind, and i’ve read theories about how they see things.

am i color blind like dogs? no. i hope i was though. it would be so much better than being dead. or being a lost soul. i don’t consider myself a ghost, because i don’t scare people. people can’t see me, well, except for rob.

you’re probably wondering how i died, so i’ll just go ahead and tell you.

i was sitting at the back of a cab, on the way home from a party, when a motorcycle crashed to the car. it wasn’t a big accident, but since i was resting my head on the window, it caused a lot of damage to my brain and i lost a lot of blood.

when i first opened my eyes at the hospital, i panicked at the loss of colors from my sense of sight. but when i stood up and saw myself lying on the bed, i kinda knew it was over. i saw my family outside. i wanted to hug them, especially my little brother.

i don’t know how i ended up at the park, but that’s when i saw rob.

i watched him read the note while crying. he was alive, yet he was the one crying. i thought it was adorable when a dog came from nowhere and comforted him.

i wished a dog could comfort me too.

then he looked at me. at first, i thought he was looking at someone from behind me, so i checked, and then when i looked back, he was gone.

i was walking around the park when i saw my little brother walking down the street with my mom, his head looking down. i tried to follow, but i lost them and somehow i ended up at that bench. i was so confused with what was going on and what i was supposed to do then, when rob suddenly came up and talked to me.

i was shocked.

then we started talking and our conversation went on and on and i noticed that people were already staring at him, but he seemed like he also noticed but that he didn’t mind. i figured he was clairvoyant or that maybe he was used to talking to, i dont know, entities like me?

we had so much in common, and i really felt comfortable talking to him (given the situation).

…but how do you tell someone you are already dead?

Chapter One: Rob (Part II)

I totally caught him by surprise.

He looked away though and I think it was cute how he did so.

Parang gulat na gulat siya na nag eye contact kami. Like it was impossible for us to make eye contact, yet we did.

I waited for him to look at me again, but he didn’t so I left.

I walked all the way to Jamba Juice and there I ordered my favorite drink. I stayed there for a while and thought about how Jim and I used to go there all the time.

We had our favorite spot at JJ, near the entrance. I still miss him. Inaasar na nga ako ng mga friends ko, ako daw ba si Adele, di maka move on.

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I was hurt with the joke at first and I didn’t talk to them for a while. It took them a long time before they could joke about me like that again. Emotional bitch kasi ako, and overly dramatic; so after the breakup, everybody was walking on egg shells around me.

I love my friends. I don’t know how I would’ve survived without them.

There was a couple sitting at our (used to be) favorite spot. Both guys were wearing a white shirt and they looked so cute together. I missed my boyfriend again, I mean EX-BOYFRIEND. Tangina, bakit hindi ako masanay na gamiting ang EX-BOYFRIEND. EX.

People used to say that we both looked good together, and at some point even looked like each other. Sabi nila may ibig sabihin daw pag ganun, pero hindi ko naman alam kung ano.

I couldn’t stand seeing that gay couple, so I grabbed my bag and my drink and went out as fast as I could.

When I stepped out of Jamba Juice, thinking of what to do next, I saw the guy I had eye contact earlier again. He was sitting at one of the benches, thinking really deeply.

He looked really serious, but kinda lonely.

I don’t usually come up to guys and talk to them, but he looked like he needed some company.  And, to be honest, I also needed some company.

I walked right up to him and said hello.

Caught him by surprise again. He was so cuuuute! #LandiKoLang

I think he was about to say something, but he just opened his mouth.

“Are you okay?” I asked.

He was still dumbfounded.

“You look like you could use some company.” I said, as I sat down beside him, and then took a sip of my drink.

“I don’t know what to say.” He said.

“Its okay…”

“I mean its been a long time since I’ve talked to anyone, and I would’ve never thought you would look or even talk to me.”

“I’m Rob. What’s your name?”

“Patrick. You can call me Pat. Or Rick. Or whatever”

Then he smiled.

“Okay, Pat. Nice to meet you.”

He let out a sigh.

“You are really talking to me, aren’t you?”

Wow. Hehe, was I that good looking? That cutie couldn’t believe I was talking to him. I was flattered.

It wasn’t the first time I talked to a guy after the breakup. God only knows the shit I have been putting myself through after the breakup. But everytime I was with another guy, Jim was always on my mind. Hindi ko talaga alam kung bakit hindi ko siya maalis sa isip ko. I don’t think about him consciously, but he just enters my mind like he doesn’t want me to forget him. Fuck that bastard.

“Hello, are you there?” Patrick jokingly said waving his right hand infront of my eyes. “You’re so far away..”

“Oops, sorry, I  just remembered something.”

“Do you have to go?”

“Oh, no no, wala basta, mahabang kwento.”

“I have a lot of free time. And I like stories about real people.”

I thought that was very sweet of him.

But I decided not to make kwento about Jim and the breakup, so I just asked him questions about his life.

He said it had been very lonely, and that he had been alone for quite sometime. He also said something about seeing things in black and white, and I didn’t understand what he meant by that, but I couldn’t look away from his big beautiful brown eyes.

He then asked me questions about myself, and tried to answer as honestly as possible, and avoided talking about my, ehem, EX-BOYFRIEND and the breakup and all that craziness.

He asked how the weather was, and I thought it was weird, since he was at the same place I was at, but I didn’t read anything to it and just thought that he was trying to make a joke or something.

While we were busy talking to each other, I kinda noticed how people kept staring at us. I don’t know why, but I just pretended like I didn’t know. We just went on, sharing simple stuff and making lame jokes, I was kinda flirting, and I felt konting kilig.

Jim wasn’t on my mind that time. And it felt great not think of him and how sad I was.

We talked for hours. Oh by the way, we didn’t just stay at that bench. We also walked around The Fort, while talking about artists that both seemed to like. Lykke Li, Caro Emerald, Robyn. He liked K-Pop and I didn’t but I promised to listen to the ones he told me to.

I wanted to ask him what he did for a living, but I didn’t want to seem rude and nosy, so I just asked how he spends his time.

He said he used to be an artist, but that something major happened and that he was lost and still figuring out what to do next.

I thought that was really admirable  of him to admit something personal like that.

He then asked me how I spent my time, and I told him I was a journalist but have been bored with my job and that I was also kind of looking for the next thing to do. At that point, I still haven’t said anything about the breakup and how I have been trying to move on.

We were both lost.

Somehow we found each other.

(to be continued…)

Chapter One: Rob

5 of Cups.

Emptiness, Disillusionment, Broken Dreams, Old Wounds

The Tarot card was accurate.

I don’t know why I was inside that room with that woman, getting a ‘reading’ of my life through Tarot cards. I was just walking around Galleria when she approached me.

I didn’t believe in things like that… intuition, or horoscopes, or getting life guidance through a bunch of cards. I guess I only said yes because I didnt have anything else to do that day.

When she pulled out that card and said it was my current state, I was impressed.

“Ibig sabihin ng 5 of Cups, you are currently concentrating on the things you don’t have, rather than on the things that you do. One of your deepest held beliefs has been shattered and you are mourning its loss.” she added.

It was accurate.

Kaso naisip ko baka chamba lang yun.

“Next card…”

Queen of Cups.

Fantasy and Creativity. Repressed Emotions. Nervous Breakdown

“Ano naman yan ate?” I asked.

“Eto, it represents who you are.” she said.

“Ano ibig sabihin nyan?” I asked again, trying not to sound cynical or condescending.

“It means you are creative, artistic, and intuitive…”

Taray, dahil ba bakla ako ganun na agad? I should have been offended. Chos long.

She was kinda right.

“…You love deeply, passionately, and optimistically… but you have a little tendency to always put your partner first.”

I just looked at her. Medyo amazed at her communication skills. And also at her next chamba.

“…Sometimes your love for others make you forget your own obligations and commitments.”

She continued flipping cards and told me shit about my life. It was all true. I don’t remember the rest of it, but she kept repeating that I had to move on.

My name is Rob. I live in #85 Shaw Blvd., Mandaluyong City. I am 25 years old, and was recently heartbroken.

The 5 of Cups card was accurate because I lost my faith in life. I was living with my [now ex] boyfriend happily when he told he got a job offer in Austria and left me here.

I was shattered. I felt like I lost a big part of me and would never get it back. I thought he was happy and contented with what we had.

I gave up being with my family for him. My mom was against our relationship when I introduced him to her, and she told me she would rather see me die than see me be a gay man.

I chose him. We lived together for four years. Four beautiful years. But he left for Austria because of a job offer.

Medyo maarte ako pero he was the only one I had. He was my home. He was my life. He was my everything.

Do you now also see why the Queen of Cups card was accurate?

It has been over year, but I’m still not over him.

Before I said goodbye to the woman who read my cards, she hugged me and said that I should move on.

I told her I would, but it would be very hard to do so.

She then gave me a sheet of paper, but requested me to read it at a park.

I was weirded out by the request, but I didnt question her because she was right about everything. So I drove to the nearest park I know, Bonifacio High Street, sat on the grass and read the note.

If I learned anything about partnership (love, business, friendship, creative), it is that both individual that grow together last longer. The thing is, we grow at our own pace and we have no control over that.

Life goes on. Seriously it does

I just planted my face in my hands after I read that and wiped the tears off my eyes.

I let out a big sigh and all of a sudden a Golden Retriever came to me out of nowhere.

I hugged it, and he gave a look to me like he knew I was crying.

The owner came running towards us and smiled when she saw I was playing with her dog.

“Aww, Joooooones!” she said

“You are the sweetest dog in the world!” I said, as I played with his ears and neck.

The girl just smiled, and I looked at her. It was Anne Curtis SHET.

Just kidding, pero kamukha niya.

“Come on Jones we have to go!”

Jones went to her and she placed a leash on his collar.

She smiled at me again and said it was nice meeting me and would’ve stayed and talked but she was in a hurry.

Its okay I said, and watched them run off. I was happy to have met them both, especially Jones.

Dogs have a way of making me feel better all the time.

I was just smiling at what happened when I noticed that a cute guy, sitting somewhere near the fountains, was looking at me.

(To be continued…)

The Breakup Series

The Breakup Part I
https://cosmicpandaa.wordpress.com/2013/06/18/the-breakup/
The Breakup Part II
https://cosmicpandaa.wordpress.com/2013/06/19/the-break-up-part-ii
The Breakup Part III
https://cosmicpandaa.wordpress.com/2013/06/20/the-breakup-part-iii
The Breakup Part IV
https://cosmicpandaa.wordpress.com/2013/06/21/the-breakup-part-iv
The Breakup – The Talk
https://cosmicpandaa.wordpress.com/2013/06/22/the-breakup-the-talk
The Last Three Days Part I
https://cosmicpandaa.wordpress.com/2013/06/23/82/
The Last Three Days Part II
https://cosmicpandaa.wordpress.com/2013/06/24/the-last-three-days-part-ii
The Last Three Days Part III
https://cosmicpandaa.wordpress.com/2013/06/25/the-last-three-days-part-iii
The Last Three Days Part IV
https://cosmicpandaa.wordpress.com/2013/06/26/the-last-three-days-part-iv-an-untold-story
The Last Three Days Part V
https://cosmicpandaa.wordpress.com/2013/06/28/the-last-three-days-part-v
The Last Three Days – The Last Day
https://cosmicpandaa.wordpress.com/2013/06/28/the-last-three-days-the-last-day
The Beginning
https://cosmicpandaa.wordpress.com/2013/06/28/off-story-the-beginning
The Goodbye
https://cosmicpandaa.wordpress.com/2013/07/01/the-goodbye
The Breakup Aftermath
https://cosmicpandaa.wordpress.com/2013/07/08/the-breakup-aftermath-part-i
The Breakup Aftermath Part II
https://cosmicpandaa.wordpress.com/2013/07/08/280
Rant
https://cosmicpandaa.wordpress.com/2013/07/08/the-breakup-aftermath-grindr-drag-being-a-jerk-craziness-this-blog
The Breakup – The Final Chapter
https://cosmicpandaa.wordpress.com/2013/07/09/the-breakup-aftermath-final-post
Acknowledgements
https://cosmicpandaa.wordpress.com/2013/07/10/acknowledgements-taray

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS (Taray!)

I would like to express my gratitude to the many people who saw me through this blog, and through The Breakup Series.

I would like to thank JP, for providing me insights and brutal honesty. Thank you for showing concerns when I was down, and for seeing through all the craziness and weirdness, and for telling me to check my grammar and consistency with my tenses.

I would like to thank Paopao, for all the support. Thank you for being my pseudo-boyfriend, and for constantly checking-in on me on facebook, and for constantly reminding me that things are gonna be okay.

I would like to thank Iggy, for making me laugh with all your wit, and for laughing at my instagram videos. Can we party soon please!

I would like to thank Andy, for helping me with the instagram videos, and for being a great gay friend, and for offering wisdom to my young mind. Haha

I would like to thank my boss, for showing support even though I was a mess. And for letting me continue to work to get my mind off things, and for offering wisdom to my young mind as well.

I would like to thank my other boss, Marshe, for sharing your experiences and helping me analyze things, and for being an example of how a “Titanium” (the song) should be.

I would like to thank my Today X Future boys: Reiman, Chard, Borgy, Kim, Christian Bautista, Tres, Kuds, Mike Magallanes – for always being there, and for being in my life, and for being “HIPSTERS” lololol and for partying at Future with me. You guys don’t know how much you mean to me!

I would like to thank my instagram followers and the Lucas Lovers. Haha. You may be inexistent, but you make me feel like a star.

I would like to thank my friend Jonver, for being there when no one else from our old group was. There is more to you than what the bullies see.

I would like to thank Rafael, Von, Alex Gonzales, Jed, Jace, Jays, Michael Roy, Daniel Viterbo, Ryann, CJ, Nick, Julius, and NeuroticUniverse, and all of my facebook friends who read my blog, and for showing me support, and concern in the past few weeks.

I would like to thank my old friends for your reaction to my post, and for showing how concerned you all were with your image, more than how you hurt me.

I would like to thank Jacob (Eidolon) for your inputs and for your deep, no-nonsense thoughts about life and love, and for your support.

I would like to thank Sherlock and Earl. I love you guys. Thank you for the playlist you made me (though I have to be honest, I havent downloaded because Im using an iPhone Poor lol).

I would like to thank all the people who shared me their love stories after reading mine, and for making me feel that I am not alone in the world.

I would also like to thank my sisters, my aunt, and my cousins for not judging me after you found out I was gay through this blog. LOL SO FUNNY, yet I feel so loved.

I would like to thank Elly, and Pat, and Bien for the promise that you were gonna teach me Tekken! I am still waiting! :))

I would like to thank all my readers from all around the world. I get 1 or 2 views from different countries everytime, but it has been consistently the same countries, so thank you.

I would like to thank WordPress, for being easy to use, and for your iOS app.

I would like to thank our company, for not blocking WordPress.

If I forgot to thank anyone, I am so sorry, I am kinda sleepy. Tell me, and I will let my publisher, WordPress, know. Haha

Lastly, I would like to thank the universe, for giving me a lot of people to thank for.

The Breakup Aftermath – Final Chapter

K, this is going to be a long read.

This is the final entry I will have for my (true to life) story, but I have been inspired lately that I wrote a fictional story about a guy trying to move on. It’s titled “Moving On”. LOL No thats too literal, but I think it is a good read and Im excited to share it with you. It won’t be about me trying to move on, but it revolves around that theme and this is the perfect time for me to write it because I can relate to the main character really well.

THE BREAKUP AFTERMATH – FINAL CHAPTER

GRINDR. DATING. FACEBOOK RELATIONSHIP STATUS. BEING A JERK. PARTYING. BOYS. INSTAGRAM VIDEOS. BLOG. BIRTH OF LUCAS KHAN.

That night when after all of that happened (from my previous post) I broke down. I didn’t just cry. I had a breakdown. I lost my faith in life. I suddenly questioned my life and felt that I wasted time spending it with people who would just hurt me.

Again, that was then. That was how I felt then. I’m not saying everybody wanted to hurt me, or betray me, and I am not saying they are evil. But that was how I felt. I felt that they just took me as “the boyfriend of our friend.”

You know what made it even worse? Nobody asked me how I was, even days after. They would reach out to me, yes. NOT ALL, only one or two people lang. They would say “Hey Kristian, tell us when you’re ready na ha.”

I said I wanted to leave our group muna, but I didn’t mean I could do it all by myself. Nobody asked me how I was. Nobody asked me how my heart is. Nobody showed they cared.

Well, maybe because nobody knew what I was going through then, but the thing is, when none of your friends check on you, what does that tell you?

Today, I have no idea what love is, and I have no idea what friendship means.

Here are things I did after the breakup.

GRINDR

Because I was alone, or felt that I was alone (ayan ha, clarify ko lang that that was how I felt at the time – mga echusera kasi kung maka react), I found comfort in Grindr (not Grindr Xtra lol). Am I proud of it? No, not one bit. Medyo nahihiya ako to admit my disgraceful actions, pero sabi ko nga, I want it all out there.

I talked to guys there. I met guys from there. Hindi lahat sex, pero yes I hooked up – not a lot, but I hooked up. It is embarrassing, but I liked how guys wanted me, how guys would make sundo with their cars, or make me hatid to wherever I wanted to go. Or treat me to movies. Or take me out to dinner. I felt validated. If you have been following me on twitter, sometimes ipinagmamayabang ko yun sa twitter. Kung gaano ako kaganda. Kung gaano ako kagwapo lol.

On social media, I made sure I tweeted and instagram-ed all of it because I knew somehow it would reach my ex and I wanted to hurt him. And I wanted to piss “our friends” off. And I wanted to piss everybody off.

DATING

*AJ the DJ*

I met a guy (itago natin sa pangalang AJ) who is a DJ, and we had plans on me getting DJ lessons from him. That excited me because my ex was a DJ, so I thought maybe if I became a DJ he would want me back.(SO SAD noh? Gusto ko saktan yung ex ko, pero gusto ko din magkabalikan kami. Baliwag lang to the nth level)

He was even planning on selling me his DJ Controller at a really cheap price.

I was delusional.

*Sushi-platter Guy*

While I was seeing the DJ, I was also seeing a 22-year old student who was a little geeky and guess what, he reminded me of Paul.

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The way he ate food, the way he played with his iPad, the way he would hug me, the way he would call inday, the way he looked, the way he smiled, it was all Paul. It was like I had a clone version of my ex. I liked him, he liked me, but I still wanted Paul.

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*Daddy Didodu (?)*

I also met a business man, who treated me really well. Sinusundo ako. Hinahatid. And all that, ah basta, I dated a lot.

It came to a point where nandiri na ako sa sarili ko, kasi niloloko ko lang lahat ng mga lalaking yun eh. Ayoko sa kanilang lahat. Everything meant nothing to me.

In a way, dating was my scapegoat. I didn’t want to deal with my sadness, and I lost touch of reality.

FACEBOOK RELATIONSHIP STATUS

I kept stalking my ex through twitter and facebook and instagram and everywhere. I read his tweets and he seemed really happy. He kept going clubbing and talking to “our friends” about the men in Singapore.

(Now I see that maybe he was doing that because I was doing the same thing, posting shit about grindr men. Our actions were magnifying each other’s actions.)

He seemed happy and he seemed okay. He wasn’t talking to me. None of our friends were talking to me either.

I was so mad I made up a lie about being “In a Relationship” on facebook, and I kept tweeting about how happy I was, even though I was just fooling myself. Delusional. BALIWAG LEVELS TALAGA NO??

BEING A JERK

I kept ranting on social media about stupid stuff. And I kept ranting shit towards my ex.

I don’t know… I just couldn’t stand seeing that he was doing well after the break up while I was so miserable.

PARTYING

I partied in drag once at a #GGSS party. One of the “Post-Breakup Craziness” I did.

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BOYS

At the party, I met a group of boys who were really nice to me. I dont know, maybe they saw how sad I was underneath all the makeup and the wig. They said I looked like Miles Hernandez. Basta they were nice to me, and they are really good friends of mine now.

I am even developing a crush on one of them, and I was open about it! Pero tsaka nako mag rerelationship ulit, kapag ready na ako. Have you read my post “Off-Story: Breakup Rant” yet? Kaya ako galit na galit kasi nga, hindi ko pa kaya to be with someone else yet, tapos siya getting over another guy na. I dont know his side of the story, but I think he is a douchebag.

INSTAGRAM VIDEOS

When Instagram made videos available, it made me happy. Siguro iniisip niyo its one of my “Post-Breakup Craziness” shit, but no, its not. When I started making videos kasi, dun ko narealize how sassy and witty I could be. When I’m making my videos, lagi akong tumatawa. I keep watching my videos din after because it makes me laugh and it reminds me of the great time I had making them. Putting on the make up and the wigs. Wala lang. Thats not me being emotional and crazy, my instagram videos are me being myself.

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My instagram videos make me happy. My instagram videos represent the happiness that I want to have in real life.

BLOG

I started this blog to share what happened to me. When I wrote Part I, it was the first time na inaccept ko yung fact na break na talaga kami. It was the first time I faced reality. And honestly, after writing I keep reading my entries until masanay na ako. Until hindi na ako naiiyak. Hanggang sa tanggap ko na ganun yung nangyari. I know I’m weird. I’m really doing this for myself. I’m not doing this para lang maawa yung mga tao sakin. Hindi ko to ginagawa para magalit kayo kay Paul.

May mga taong nagmemessage sakin after reading each post. Minsan empathetic messages, consoling messages, minsan galit, or telling me off.

My ex-boyfriend is a great guy. I would not have fallen in love with him, or would not have loved him (yes, LOVED, past tense) if he wasn’t. I don’t know what happened or why he did what he did, or how he is now (I dont read his tweets, or check his blog anymore, nor follow him on instagram, or tumblr, or path. And we are not facebook friends).

I guess people just grow apart, no matter how much you love each other. Its sad that ganito yung nangyari, but its part of life.

I don’t know why the universe let this happen to me. Or to us. I dont know what I did to deserve such pain.

This is from one of my favorite movies, Must Love Dogs:

“You know, but I think your heart grows back bigger. You know? Once you get the shit beat out of you. And, um, the universe lets your heart expand that way, and I think that’s the function of all this pain and heartache that you go through and you gotta go through that to come out to a better place and that’s how I see it, anyway.”


Right now, I feel better. Its only been less than two months. I dont know what’s in store for me. But I know that its over.

Am I a mess now? No. I WAS.

Am I in a better place? I hope so.

Work has been making me busy, got new projects to work on. On weekends, I spend time with new people, and I will continue meeting people. Right now, my life is really an open book. Its on the internet, goddamit! Its on social media sites. People judge you anyways, so I just show it 100%. Who I am on facebook and twitter and this blog is who I am in person, plus more!

I still miss Paul, sometimes. When I see his name, or when I go to a place where we have memories, or when I just remember him.

But I’m finally, unti-unti, letting go. He’s in the past now.

Do we still talk? Nope. He wants to start over, then let him start over. I am now starting over as well.

Thank you for reading my story.

I wish I had a better way to end The Breakup Series. But thank you for sharing my pain when you got sad or when you cried while reading my entries. Thank you for hating on Paul, when I hated Paul. Thank you for being mad, when I was mad.

Thank you for making me feel that I’m not alone.

Wala, basta, thank you.

Life goes on, Kristian! Life goes on.

Love, Lucas

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Lucas Khan aka Kristian Lising

Forever a kontrabida.

Lolthanks.

Another Distasteful and Childish Rant

Yesterday, I received mixed reactions about the previous post. Some people expressed empathy, some people expressed their disbelief on what I just posted on the internet.

Let me start by saying that this is my side of the story. This is everything I went through, my thoughts, my feelings, etc – ALL ME. Am I a bad person for writing about what I think and sharing what happened to me? For sharing how I perceived things?

YES, my story involves other people. Eh di isulat din nila yung side nila. Or yung ex ko, isulat din nya yung side niya.

I was told I was insensitive and my actions were very distasteful. Childish, even. Okay, I get it. My way of dealing with things is immature compared to how you do yours. I am a drama queen. But this is me. I do not tell you how to live your life. Right?

Why am I doing this blog? Because I want to share my story.

Do I do this to get attention? No, but who doesn’t appreciate attention?

Do I do this to get validation? No. If I wanted validation, I wouldn’t be posting things that I know people would be mad at me for.

I shared that I was hurt by what had happened. I did not say they meant it. I did not say they are bad people. Parang kay Paul, I never said he meant any of it. I never said that he is a bad person. Does he come off that way? Yes, kasi we don’t know his side of the story [yet?].

Were people represented in a bad light? Yes. Pero hindi naman ako gumagawa ng kwento. Even if they clarify things, it doesnt change the fact that I was hurt.

Do I know their intentions? Do I know why they said what they said? Do I know what they were thinking at the time? NO – KASI NGA THIS IS MY SIDE OF THE STORY. HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO POINT THAT OUT?

**So, now that you know how I felt at the time, or what I was going through, you have the upper hand. You now see things both in my perspective and in your perspective. You see where the disconnect is (or was) pero ang mangyayari you get appalled and tell me that I am not man enough to face you all in person.**

Anong ginawa ko sa inyo? Did I hurt any of you? Did I call any of you names? Siniraan ko ba kayo?

Everything I posted here on my blog is true to how I saw things. I did not make up any of it.